Just When I Needed It

I don't normally post my emotions on facebook. In fact, I'm not sure I ever had . . . before tonight. Tonight I caved. And after posting that fateful post (and after one sad face comment and one good friend talking to me) I decided to delete it. I mean, I'm not depressed . . . or a girl :)

Anyway, after I took the post down, I was on my email account and noticed a message my mom had sent me a few days earlier. It was a video about a miracle at a hospital. Since I had the time, I decided to watch it. It was just what I needed, when I needed it. The video itself was about a doctor who felt God asking him to pray over a dead patient; and guess what, the guy ended up coming back to life. The point is this: through this video, I was just reminded of God's power. I'm not sure I can even fully put to words exactly what else I felt, but it was something that was beyond the disappointment of the night. It was God being bigger than the emotion I had felt and unnecessarily posted for the world to see. It was God showing me something of Himself and how He's worked in me. It was God being good.

Dating (Get Your Attention Dordt Students)

So, as an upperclassman student at good ol' Dordt College, I'm naturally worried about dating . . . ok so I'm not that worried. But still, you can't argue the dominion the topic has over the entire campus. And if you aren't from Dordt, imagine something like The Bachelor: Christian College Edition and you'll start to get the picture. But I have been thinking about the topic lately for different reasons and I've had some thoughts. These is what I've thunked:

I've thought about what a guy should be in a relationship. I look around at different relationships and "interests" and I can't help but think that that's not what those girls really need. Men are supposed to be spiritual leaders. A relationship, if it is part of God's will, will bring the two closer to God. The guy will be able to help the girl where she needs it and vice versa. A God-honoring relationship will not cause either member to have to split their time between their significant other and God, but rather the relationship, as a single entity, will provide each member a way to become closer.

So what does the guy have to do with this? The man is responsible for leading the relationship in this direction. And often times, that means leading the relationship away from other directions. One thing that will almost never fail to get under my skin is a guy who forces his girlfriend into, let's say, "non-Christian" circumstances, probably because, in the past, I've been that guy myself. Girls long for acceptance, like anyone else, and, at times, will surrender to a guy who is pursuing, let's say, the "wrong things." Men, we are responsible to make sure this doesn't happen. Can the girls play a part? Absolutely! But in the end, we are the ones who are ultimately responsible. It is a beautiful, yet difficult responsibility.

And as the head of the relationship, us guys need to take responsibility for the spiritual development of it too. Ever had this scenario: you're on a date with a girl you like and the food comes. Who prays? Do you pray? I mean, there's a lot of people around. Just do it! I've been there and I know it can feel crazy awkward, but step out on that limb. And it's obviously more than prayer. Take responsibility for leading her in the right direction, showing her that you care about her spiritual health and maturity and that you want to be a part of its improvement and growth. We are responsible for the spiritual health of the relationship - don't take that lightly. So girls, I ask you to consider - is the guy you are interested in, or even dating, fulfilling his responsibility to you? Is he leading you in the right direction? Is he leading himself in the right direction? Spiritually, is this the kind of guy you want, or should, be dating?

As an addendum, I would like to make a couple of things clear. Number one, I am not saying this from a judgmental seat of "I'm these things and others aren't." People that know my story understand that I haven't always been these things, and even now I know there are things I need to work on. Secondly, I'm not writing this to just try and impress anyone. I mean, I have another whole year to find that "special someone" before I go out into the world and am incapable of ever meeting another girl again (sounds ridiculous doesn't it senior people freaking out). Finally, I would like to make the point that I DID NOT address the idea of who should make the first move or anything of that sort . . . don't get me started.

Well, that's enough for now. The Yankees have started the season 0-3, so I'm going to go cry a little.

A Fear I Have

I have known for a while, although I have thought about it more in the last few days, about I fear I have when reading the Bible. Maybe this is a weird fear that nobody else has, but it is a fear that I have: I have the fear that, through reading the Bible, that I will find something about God that I don't like or agree with. I mean, it's hard enough to read the Bible sometimes with all the genocide not only condoned by God, but ordered by Him, and to put instances such as that in the right context so as to see God in them through the right glasses. But I find myself reading the Bible apprehensively in fear that something God does or says will pop up somewhere and I won't like it or agree with it. Of course, the question lingering in my mind on top of this fear is, "If I find something about God that I don't like or agree with, then what in the world do I do?" And I know that this effects my reading - it HAS to. But I don't know how to change it. Luckily, God does.

Venting

You know all those people who use their blogs to vent about their "problems" because they think the world cares . . .and then subsequently get made fun of. Well, I'm about to become, for just one entry, one of those people. And guess what, I don't care! Writing has always been, and probably always will be, one of my most effective ways of simply spewing out how I feel. It's like therapy, only way cheaper and there's less questions about my mom. So without further ado, here it is:

I just got done playing another IM basketball game and maybe it's because I hate losing, or maybe it's because, tonight, I just did not play well. But I was just frustrated beyond belief after the game. And it's not just because of that game - playing these games brings out my frustration from high school sports as well. You see, sports was all I did in high school, and I was good at it, really good (and anyone that knows me, knows it's out of my character to talk about myself like that). But I feel like I never got the chance to even come close to being the athlete I was capable of. I went to a crappy, tiny high school in Southern California and played four years of crappy baseball. While most kids were playing 20-30 game seasons in the spring and THEN playing even more games in the fall, I played four lousy 20-game seasons. When I came to college, there were other baseball players who played almost as many games per year as I did in my entire high school career. I never got the chance to play AAU ball (if you don't know what that is, don't worry about it) and even the public league team I was on before I started high school ball sucked. My 11-year-old Little League team was the last good baseball team I played on. Then there was basketball. I played for four years in high school and never once had a combination of even a decent coach and team together. My dad (who is a great coach) coached one year, but with sub-par players, and then was unfairly forced out. I then had three coaches over the next three years, none of which knew what they were doing. Football was decent. My senior year team went to section semifinals, but football wasn't really my thing, and the head coach so much didn't like me for no reason, that the next year I heard that the new guy who was getting yelled at for no reason during film sessions was referred to as "the new Alex."

Then I came to college, where I thought things would change. I was psyched to play baseball at a college level, but it was just another disappointment. I loved the guys I played with, but the coaching was terrible. I literally, and I'm not joking, probably got a total of about 10 minutes of coaching my entire freshman year. Then, only a week and one rain-drenched scrimmage into my sophomore year, I, among others, was cut. Yes, my coach believed that he could tell who would and would not help the team after only a week of practices and one scrimmage that was in the rain. The fact that the team went 3-30 that year speaks for itself.

Now, I truly understand, after looking back, that it was God that took me away from sports and brought me into other interests. But it's still tough at times . . . like now. Yes, I'm involved in theater, but I realize that I'm nothing special as an actor. I may be better than the average, random person, but when I'm around other actors, it's obvious that I'm average. And yes, I can dance a little. Once again, I'm probably better than the average person, but when I get around other dancers, it's once again painfully obvious that I'm nothing special. I've been struggling lately with the idea that I'm not better at the things I'm involved in, because I want to be involved in something that I love and be AWESOME at it. But the reality is, I'm still probably a better athlete than actor or dancer, and that's a talent that I don't really get to use any more and, as stated above, never got to fully develop.

I truly believe that God has plans for me. And I DO believe that they are wicked awesome. But it doesn't help me right now when I feel like I'm average at a lot of things and not that good at any of them. Even when those plans are fulfilled, my talents won't be any different. And even though I believe my identity should be in Christ, I feel like that identity is separate from my talents and abilities. Yes, I'm perfect in Christ's eyes, and that's amazing, but it doesn't make me a better athlete, actor, or dancer.

I realize that I am hard on myself, to the point where I haven't even looked at some of the pictures of me from RUSH because I know that I'll see something that I did wrong or poorly and feel crappy. And I realize that I am insecure in many areas. And I also realize that being insecure is usually related to girls, but hey, I've always been an emotional guy and I can accept that fact. Besides, chicks dig emotional dudes. But I also realize that Christ is bigger than any problem and that we are called to cast our anxieties on Him. If you've read my more recent entries, you know that I've been waiting for God to do something in my life. Well, I'm still waiting. I want . . . I need God to do something in my life. I'm tired of going to class, doing homework, and wrestling with feelings of insecurity and not being good enough. I know that I can't just muster up the different feelings, or force a change of heart. I need God to work in me and do the things He has promised. I need God . . . I just need God.

P.S. I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me that I'm good at this-or-that. But if you've struggled with this too, you aren't alone. And I love being the guy who can talk about things that others maybe aren't as comfortable talking about and let them know they aren't alone. If you want, or need, to talk, either because you're struggling or have something to tell me,  I'm totally down. Maybe I can fit you into my schedule :)

Grace Is More

What is grace? I'm not even going to pretend to understand or know the full extent of God's grace, because I know that I cannot. But what I do know is that we undervalue and underappreciate it. And I think that part of that is because we haven't taken the time to more fully understand what God's grace does. Too often, we see God's grace as simply the forgiveness of sin. If asked what God's grace was, we would give the "Christian" response of, "God's grace forgave me for my sins. Because God has grace, He completely forgives me and acts like it never happened." This IS great news, but as far as being a Godly thing goes, it's not even impressive.

And the reason I can say that is because that definition of grace is no different than what a normal person can do. And if a normal person can do it on their own (without God's help), is it really that impressive if God can? You, yes you, the reader, could walk up to me and punch me in the face for no reason. Now, that is a sin against me. As a fellow, sinful human being, I can choose to forgive you. Moreover, I can choose to completely forgive you. And even further than that, I can choose to completely forgive you and act like it never happened. I can continue my relationship with you in full forgiveness, choosing to act like you never punched me in the face. Would I do that? I don't know. But the point is, I could. A crappy human being just exhibited grace in the same way that many Christians would describe God's grace. In fact, non-Christian humans everywhere forgive other people and move on in that forgiveness every day.

So what makes God's grace so awesome? Yes, the above reason is part of it. It is great that God would look at us, forgive us, and move on from our constant sin. But there's more. What can human's not do that God can? Well, for one, if you punch me in the face, that sin effects you, just like every other sin. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot make up for how your sin effects you. No matter how much I forgive you, I can't do it. But God's grace can! The wages of sin is death . . . DEATH, but God's grace overcomes that. Sin separates us from God and keeps us from His inherent love and goodness, but His grace covers that. God's grace covers how our sins effect us spiritually. Think about that for a second; meditate on the fact that God's grace completely covers the effect your sin (once again, DEATH) has on your life and allows you to be molded into the being God has planned for you and allows God to move you into the plans He has for your life (abundant life - John 10:10). God's grace is what allows God to be more prevalent in your life; it's what allows God to help you love Him more; and it's what allows God to move you into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Himself.

Secondly, no matter how much I forgive you, I can't change you. But God's grace changes us. According to I John 1:9, God's forgiveness purifies us from ALL unrighteousness and reconciles us back to Him. God's grace and forgiveness gives us Christ's righteousness in God's eyes, a gift no human can give. In fact, in God's eyes, we are perfect.

Thirdly, God's grace gives us eternal life. While we were dead in our sin, God's grace gives us eternal life with the very one we rejected.

So don't put God's grace in a box. You will never be able to understand it completely, but that just means there is always room to understand it more fully. Pray that God will show you more and more what His grace has done for you, and realize the only reason God can do that is because His grace allows it. I have only given a couple examples of the wonderfulness of God's grace - there are many more! Read Ephesians 2:1-7 and allow God to show you something of Himself.

Why?

It's the most unasked question in the Christian language, and it's a shame. I've always been a "why" type guy, someone who questions things, especially in the Bible. At times, though, I've felt like a subpar Christian because I have the audacity to ask a "why" question of God. We get told all these things about God, read all this stuff in the Bible, and then are just expected to accept what it says because it's the Bible - accept God for who He is simply because He's God. But how much do you learn when you blindly accept? How much do you grow in your relationship with Christ when aren't willing to probe the "why" of certain things. Well, you certainly don't grow as much as you possibly could.
Recently, I started reading "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell, and in just the first couple chapters, he talks about asking questions and trying to understand Scripture. In fact, he deems it as a necessary part of reading Scripture. So why don't we ask "why?" I think it's because we are scared. We think that if we question or wonder anything about God or the Bible, then we are doing something wrong. But are we really going to make God that small? Are we really going to serve a God who is too small to answer a question or who is too conceited to be asked about His actions or plan? Even Abraham asked God, "Will not the Judge of all the Earth do right?" Abraham has the "audacity" to think that what God is doing is wrong . . . and he ASKS Him about it. And what does God do? He talks to Abraham and answers His question; He doesn't get made or self-righteous.
So don't be afraid to ask the why question. And don't fall into the trap of assuming you are the only one with that question, so the fact that you have it means your a terrible Christian. In fact, not only does someone else have that same question or questions, but there's probably been an entire book written about it. Ask those questions, and allow God to answer them for you, whether it be through Scripture, the Holy Spirit, or someone that you talk to.

Matthew 7:7 - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

What I'm After

So, this may be slightly similar to my last posting, but it's MY blog and I get to do what I want, so HA! Recently, I've felt like God has blessed me by showing me what the life of a follower of Christ can be. He's showed me the peace, hope, and joy that we have through Him and our relationship with Him; He's showed me His redeeming power and how He is willing to accept us when we come back to Him; and He's shown me that He has great plans for the lives of his followers. It's been great to see these things, but then, on the other hand, I've also seen that I don't possess a lot of this. So although it's great to further realize the life a Christian can have as a follower of Christ, it's been difficult to see that I don't have a lot of it.

So what's the answer to this. Can I magically conjure up more love for God and a deeper, more personal relationship? Well . . . no. So where does that put me? Well, it puts me in one of the hardest, but also best, places one can be put - in reliance on God. I know that I lack some of the awesome things God and His Holy Spirit provide through a relationship with Jesus, things that go beyond the material. But I also know that I am asking the most powerful being ever to help me with those things and provide them for me. So I'll keep praying to know God more, to love Him more, and to experience a deeper, closer, more intimate relationship with Him that leads to a changed heart and a greater sense of peace and satisfaction in my life. I know God works in His own timing, but hopefully He'll get crackin' on this one pretty quickly :)