Venting

You know all those people who use their blogs to vent about their "problems" because they think the world cares . . .and then subsequently get made fun of. Well, I'm about to become, for just one entry, one of those people. And guess what, I don't care! Writing has always been, and probably always will be, one of my most effective ways of simply spewing out how I feel. It's like therapy, only way cheaper and there's less questions about my mom. So without further ado, here it is:

I just got done playing another IM basketball game and maybe it's because I hate losing, or maybe it's because, tonight, I just did not play well. But I was just frustrated beyond belief after the game. And it's not just because of that game - playing these games brings out my frustration from high school sports as well. You see, sports was all I did in high school, and I was good at it, really good (and anyone that knows me, knows it's out of my character to talk about myself like that). But I feel like I never got the chance to even come close to being the athlete I was capable of. I went to a crappy, tiny high school in Southern California and played four years of crappy baseball. While most kids were playing 20-30 game seasons in the spring and THEN playing even more games in the fall, I played four lousy 20-game seasons. When I came to college, there were other baseball players who played almost as many games per year as I did in my entire high school career. I never got the chance to play AAU ball (if you don't know what that is, don't worry about it) and even the public league team I was on before I started high school ball sucked. My 11-year-old Little League team was the last good baseball team I played on. Then there was basketball. I played for four years in high school and never once had a combination of even a decent coach and team together. My dad (who is a great coach) coached one year, but with sub-par players, and then was unfairly forced out. I then had three coaches over the next three years, none of which knew what they were doing. Football was decent. My senior year team went to section semifinals, but football wasn't really my thing, and the head coach so much didn't like me for no reason, that the next year I heard that the new guy who was getting yelled at for no reason during film sessions was referred to as "the new Alex."

Then I came to college, where I thought things would change. I was psyched to play baseball at a college level, but it was just another disappointment. I loved the guys I played with, but the coaching was terrible. I literally, and I'm not joking, probably got a total of about 10 minutes of coaching my entire freshman year. Then, only a week and one rain-drenched scrimmage into my sophomore year, I, among others, was cut. Yes, my coach believed that he could tell who would and would not help the team after only a week of practices and one scrimmage that was in the rain. The fact that the team went 3-30 that year speaks for itself.

Now, I truly understand, after looking back, that it was God that took me away from sports and brought me into other interests. But it's still tough at times . . . like now. Yes, I'm involved in theater, but I realize that I'm nothing special as an actor. I may be better than the average, random person, but when I'm around other actors, it's obvious that I'm average. And yes, I can dance a little. Once again, I'm probably better than the average person, but when I get around other dancers, it's once again painfully obvious that I'm nothing special. I've been struggling lately with the idea that I'm not better at the things I'm involved in, because I want to be involved in something that I love and be AWESOME at it. But the reality is, I'm still probably a better athlete than actor or dancer, and that's a talent that I don't really get to use any more and, as stated above, never got to fully develop.

I truly believe that God has plans for me. And I DO believe that they are wicked awesome. But it doesn't help me right now when I feel like I'm average at a lot of things and not that good at any of them. Even when those plans are fulfilled, my talents won't be any different. And even though I believe my identity should be in Christ, I feel like that identity is separate from my talents and abilities. Yes, I'm perfect in Christ's eyes, and that's amazing, but it doesn't make me a better athlete, actor, or dancer.

I realize that I am hard on myself, to the point where I haven't even looked at some of the pictures of me from RUSH because I know that I'll see something that I did wrong or poorly and feel crappy. And I realize that I am insecure in many areas. And I also realize that being insecure is usually related to girls, but hey, I've always been an emotional guy and I can accept that fact. Besides, chicks dig emotional dudes. But I also realize that Christ is bigger than any problem and that we are called to cast our anxieties on Him. If you've read my more recent entries, you know that I've been waiting for God to do something in my life. Well, I'm still waiting. I want . . . I need God to do something in my life. I'm tired of going to class, doing homework, and wrestling with feelings of insecurity and not being good enough. I know that I can't just muster up the different feelings, or force a change of heart. I need God to work in me and do the things He has promised. I need God . . . I just need God.

P.S. I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me that I'm good at this-or-that. But if you've struggled with this too, you aren't alone. And I love being the guy who can talk about things that others maybe aren't as comfortable talking about and let them know they aren't alone. If you want, or need, to talk, either because you're struggling or have something to tell me,  I'm totally down. Maybe I can fit you into my schedule :)