Where is the Joy?

Sorry I haven't kept up as rigidly as I would have like to over Christmas break, but then again, it's break. But to get right into it, over the past few months, probably the biggest question I've had regarding my faith deals with joy. I've always heard that following God brings you the most satisfying life; the most fulfilling life; and the life filled with the truest joy. But I haven't always felt that and it's made me wonder what in the world is going on. Following God has seemed more like a job I have to get up and do every morning rather than a joy. Following His commands has been difficult at times and has felt like something I try to do despite what I actually want to do, rather than doing it out of gratitude or a loving response to how He loves me. Through all of this, I've realized that I need to know God more; I'm not talking about knowing more about Him, but rather knowing Him more personally and developing a closer, more personal, more intimate relationship with Him.

So I spent time in prayer, asking God to help me know Him more, love Him more, and develop a deeper, more personal relationship with Him, knowing that if I knew him more intimately and deeply, then my heart would change and, ultimately, my faith; my desire, commitment, and obedience would be through my relationship with God and how it changed my heart, it would be based out of my love for Him and as a response to His love and care for me. I was excited about what was to come, but I didn't see much change. Through what the Bible says and reading/hearing others speak, I've realized more fully what the Christian life should be characterized by, including the joy that should come with it. Yes, we may have troubled times, but even in the midst of destruction and forcing into slavery, God told the Israelites that He knew the plans for them, and that they were plans to prosper them and not harm them (Jer 29.11). Yes, we may have dark places we find ourselves in, but God's word is about redemption; God promises to redeem us and bring us back to Him, where we find joy in his presence and eternal pleasures at his right hand (Psalm 16.11). God loves us like we are his children (I John 3.1) and a father wants nothing but the best for his kids. Yes, the father may allow his children to face tough times for their own good, but he always loves them and has in mind what is ultimately best for them. So I believe God has a joyous, happy, peaceful life for us through Himself and bringing Him glory; we may face tough times, but when we have the peace and joy God gives, it triumphs over anything this world can throw at it. 

But through learning this, I've also come to the realization that I lack it. And it sucks, because I want that and I know how to get it, but it doesn't seem to always be happening. I don't always see the promises of joy and peace coming into my life and it makes me wonder what's going on. And the worst part, it tempts me to forget about it all and find my own joy and happiness. Ya, I can admit it - I've been tempted, in the midst of real troubles I've had and frustrations of constant doubt and questioning, to simply forget about the whole God thing altogether. I mean, I've thought that if my faith is causing the most stress and non-joy in my life, then I should just forget about it and find happiness on my own through what I know I can be happy doing (aka sin). Obviously I haven't done that, but I'm trying to be honest about the questions I've faced and the issues I've struggled with. What I've learned over the past year and a half is priceless, and God has constantly been working on me - one thing after another. But if He loves me, then it's for a reason. He promises deliverance and he promises peace and joy, so the questioning, searching, and difficulties are developing something in me for what He has planned for my future. And if He's doing this to me now, I'm excited to see what it's all for.