I've Been Injured

I recently went to a conference in Nebraska (ya, I know, Nebraska sucks - but I went anyway) and a portion of the large group session concentrated on how we, as Christians, should deal with our wounds. We were told that, when we are wounded, we should tell other Christians and allow them to help us. I believe I've finally found the strength to do that . . . at least in part.

I've been wounded. Now I'm not talking about being wounded by another person, but rather what often times is the worst type of wound, the self-inflicted wound. For many years I battled with sin in my life which led to an unhealthy relationship in my first semester of school. This past summer was the absolute hardest of my life and my own sin and mistrust led to some extremely scary moments. However, by the grace of God, I have come through all of that sin and addiction and no longer am involved with any of that from my sinful past (praise the Lord!!!!). Little did I know, though, that coming to repentance and out of my sin was just the beginning of the battle. 

Throughout the school year, I have dealt with multiple issues of faith in my life. Thank God (literally) that much advancement has been made, but I still struggle. My main struggle, strangely enough, is with doubt. Doubt has plagued me for months now - doubt of God's love, doubt in who God is, even doubt (as hard as it is to admit) that there even is a God. I don't know exactly why I struggle or exactly why God is allowing this to drag on, but I try with all my might to lean on the fact that He has an ultimate reason for this, a reason soaked in love that has nothing but the best life-long intentions for me. So, in the meantime, I try to stay in the Word and learn as much as I can because I know that God is using this time to teach me so much and help me to grow (heck, maybe that's even the "ultimate reason" He's doing it). While I'm waiting, I'll do the best I can to follow God's Word and walk in His way, leaning on the hope I have that one day this trial will come to an end. 

Here is a song I wrote regarding some of what's happening. I've always found that writing helps me when dealing with issues in my life (a part of the reason I decided to start this blog). Every line has meaning; nothing is just thrown in to make a rhyme sound good or make the song flow better. I hope to put it to music soon. Enjoy :) 

Never knew that life could be so hard

and it's all my fault I'm so sorry Lord.

I struggle, I pay, I'm confused, I pray

and get back on my feet for the same old day.

I feel like Pong getting hit back and forth

but I'm more like Frogger getting crushed on the first course.

When will it all end;

when will I be whole;

when will the pain cease;

please Lord free my soul. 

With all the love you exude God I know you care

but, I don't know, sometimes I doubt that you're even there.

And the confusion baffles me,

God I need some slack

cuz I feel like Will Smith walking around like a man in black.

I was happy Lord, when I was soaked in sin,

but now I'm back with you yet the struggle seems to never end. 

Let me see your face, do it I know you can;

let me hear your voice, sweet sounding like a baby grand.

Guide me with you steps, footprints in the sand;

Lord fix my soul, touch me with your healing hands.

I'm like a broken reed swaying in the winds of life

or a candle with a short wick struggling to see the light.

But your word promises you'll uphold both of these;

you don't lie or fib, Lord you never tease,

so I drop to my knees prayin' that you'll take this from me;

please just make it stop, why do you do this to me?

But the Bible says you discipline those you love;

thanks for that little push, thanks for that little shove.

And as I dig into your word like a crazy mole,

I search for those words that can finally make my soul whole.

Show me the living water, make it flow from me;

give me a strong desire, make me wanna see.

Whatever you wanna teach me Lord come on and let it rip;

save me from this struggle before my desire starts to really slip.

Like an acrobat in training, I'm about to flip

and go crazy trying to figure out how exactly you're supposed to fit,

and what I believe, and what I should do;

so many versions of one religion which one is really true?

Which one would you chose? And how do you decide? 

Like a comforting father I just want you Lord by my side.

To the end Lord, I just hope I can make it

and I poor my soul out to you because I know you can take it.

Whisper in m ear; take away my sin.

That's all for now Lord . . . Amen. 

Well if you've made it to the end of this blog then CONGRATULATIONS!!! If there is anything you would like to know about me or my journey, please ask! And if there is anything you would like to say to me, I'd be happy to hear it! My dad once told me that when I come through this I will be refined . . . and refined like gold. I hold those words close and look in thankfulness at what God has already done in my life and in great anticipation to what He still has to do. I am so excited for what my life and what my faith are going to be like once this "storm" has passed. Pray that I will make it and be able to use it in helping others who undoubtedly deal with the same.