Where is the Joy?

Sorry I haven't kept up as rigidly as I would have like to over Christmas break, but then again, it's break. But to get right into it, over the past few months, probably the biggest question I've had regarding my faith deals with joy. I've always heard that following God brings you the most satisfying life; the most fulfilling life; and the life filled with the truest joy. But I haven't always felt that and it's made me wonder what in the world is going on. Following God has seemed more like a job I have to get up and do every morning rather than a joy. Following His commands has been difficult at times and has felt like something I try to do despite what I actually want to do, rather than doing it out of gratitude or a loving response to how He loves me. Through all of this, I've realized that I need to know God more; I'm not talking about knowing more about Him, but rather knowing Him more personally and developing a closer, more personal, more intimate relationship with Him.

So I spent time in prayer, asking God to help me know Him more, love Him more, and develop a deeper, more personal relationship with Him, knowing that if I knew him more intimately and deeply, then my heart would change and, ultimately, my faith; my desire, commitment, and obedience would be through my relationship with God and how it changed my heart, it would be based out of my love for Him and as a response to His love and care for me. I was excited about what was to come, but I didn't see much change. Through what the Bible says and reading/hearing others speak, I've realized more fully what the Christian life should be characterized by, including the joy that should come with it. Yes, we may have troubled times, but even in the midst of destruction and forcing into slavery, God told the Israelites that He knew the plans for them, and that they were plans to prosper them and not harm them (Jer 29.11). Yes, we may have dark places we find ourselves in, but God's word is about redemption; God promises to redeem us and bring us back to Him, where we find joy in his presence and eternal pleasures at his right hand (Psalm 16.11). God loves us like we are his children (I John 3.1) and a father wants nothing but the best for his kids. Yes, the father may allow his children to face tough times for their own good, but he always loves them and has in mind what is ultimately best for them. So I believe God has a joyous, happy, peaceful life for us through Himself and bringing Him glory; we may face tough times, but when we have the peace and joy God gives, it triumphs over anything this world can throw at it. 

But through learning this, I've also come to the realization that I lack it. And it sucks, because I want that and I know how to get it, but it doesn't seem to always be happening. I don't always see the promises of joy and peace coming into my life and it makes me wonder what's going on. And the worst part, it tempts me to forget about it all and find my own joy and happiness. Ya, I can admit it - I've been tempted, in the midst of real troubles I've had and frustrations of constant doubt and questioning, to simply forget about the whole God thing altogether. I mean, I've thought that if my faith is causing the most stress and non-joy in my life, then I should just forget about it and find happiness on my own through what I know I can be happy doing (aka sin). Obviously I haven't done that, but I'm trying to be honest about the questions I've faced and the issues I've struggled with. What I've learned over the past year and a half is priceless, and God has constantly been working on me - one thing after another. But if He loves me, then it's for a reason. He promises deliverance and he promises peace and joy, so the questioning, searching, and difficulties are developing something in me for what He has planned for my future. And if He's doing this to me now, I'm excited to see what it's all for. 

Just Talk About It!!!!

I think that people that know me well enough will know that I'm not being a hypocrite by what I'm about to state in this post. But one thing that I've thought about at different times is how shameful it is that people struggle on their own. Then my friend Trevor (who's getting married today!) went to a conference in Kansas City and was kind enough to tell me about it when he came back. At one of the talking sessions (I think that's what they're officially called) the speaker talked about 4 different things regarding some aspect of Christianity. The incredible vagueness at which I just attempted to describe that something is beside the point, but one of the 4 things was that people don't talk to others about their troubles and struggles. To me, this was like, "yes! somebody actually thinks the same thing!" You see, so often we feel ashamed or unworthy, and those feelings keep us from expressing the very things we need to talk about. We sit and stew on problems and struggles we face, always feeling ashamed and keeping them bottled up inside, never letting anyone know what we are really thinking. We think others will judge us, think we're weird, or think that we're subpar Christians, and never wrap our minds around the fact that everyone struggles! You cannot deal with an issue of faith or anything else that someone else hasn't already dealt with; you are never alone.

God gave us other people to talk to and fellowship with, and part of this talking and fellowship involves helping others where they need it. Often times, and listen up here, the way God helps us is through others. Often times, the knowledge and wisdom of others is what God can, and will, use to help us right where we need it. So if you struggle with something, you don't have to suffer or deal with it on your own! Find someone who loves you and someone you trust and spill your guts. Heck, talk to me if you want - I love talking to people and learning about their stories, and I know there are others who feel the same way. YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRUGGLE ALONE!!!!

Worship

One thing I've thought about throughout the semester is "worship" and what it actually is, especially within the context of singing (aka chapel, GIFT, P&W). Throughout the year, I've tried to get into it, but, honestly, I've struggled to really "feel it." At points I can't get passed the shallowness of the lyrics, at others points I wonder why God requires us to praise Him, and still, at other times, I just can't get into it. But then I began to think about WHY we worship God and WHY we sing songs to Him. And something clicked - what if we weren't singing to God for God; what if we were singing to God for us? 


I believe it was John Piper who coined the term "Christian Hedonist" (and if it wasn't Piper, he's the one who has popularized it). Sam Storms has followed in the same direction as a Christian hedonist, largely due to one quote by Jonathon Edwards. Edwards stated, "now what is glorifying God, but a rejoicing at that glory he has displayed?  . . .Neither can the highest end of creation be the declaring [of] God's glory to others; for the declaring [of] God's glory is good for nothing otherwise than to raise joy in ourselves and others in what is declared." In fact, Storms goes on to state, "to come to God or to worship him or to yield to his moral will for any reason other than the joy that is found in who he is, is sinful." Think about it this way (it helped me). If your friend told you that he really enjoyed being with you, you wouldn't accuse him/her of being selfish, because the fact that they find joy in hanging out with you shows you that they find value in the relationship. In fact, you would be taken aback (ya, taken aback) if your friends didn't enjoy being with you. Is God any different? If God is the source of your greatest delight and joy, then you are God-centered, not selfish. As Francis Chan puts it, "right now a hundred million angels are praising God's name; He certainly doesn't need to beg or plead with us." 


This, inevitably, leads to the larger question of "why does God require us to bring Him glory in all we do?; why are we supposed to be constantly bringing God glory?; Isn't that selfish and why does He need it?" Well, this is ultimately the same question as above, only on a bigger scale - instead of wondering why we are worshiping God through song, we're wondering why we are worshiping/bringing God glory through everything we do. John Piper addressed this question many years ago in a sermon series he gave. Piper spoke about praising what we enjoy, but he also spoke about praise being the climax of our joy. C.S. Lewis one said, "but the most obvious fact about praise - whether of God or anything - strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honor. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless (sometimes even if) shyness of the fear of boring others is deliberatley brought in to check it . . . I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment. It is appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are, the delight is incomplete till it is expressed." Piper goes on to state, "if God is truly for us, if he would give us the best and make our joy full, he must make it his aim to win our praise for himself. Not because he needs to shore up some weakness in himself or compensate for some deficiency, but because he loves us and seeks the fullness of our joy that can only be found in knowing and praising him . . . God is the one being in all the universe for whom seeking his own praise is the ultimate loving act." 


There you have it. God knows that our truest joy, our strongest peace, our deepest sense of fulfillment, lies fully in Him. The more of Him we have, the more joy, peace, and fulfillment we experience. Therefore, He desires to bring us closer to Him and He desires us to bring Him glory and praise because He loves us and wants the best for us. So next time you find yourself in a situation where you are singing to God, don't think about yourself simply giving God what He deserves; (if the aim of your faith is simply to give God what He deserves, you'll strive forever and never come close) think about how God desires this to bring you the greatest joy and fulfillment. 


P.S. Here are the links to the articles that I quoted:
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/is-god-for-us-or-for-himself
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-life-changing-discovery-of-christian-hedonism?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+DGBlog+%28DG+Blog%29

Hello . . . It's Been A While

Ya, I know its been a while since I did this whole blog thing, but hey, it's Christmas break and I've got nothing better to do. Plus, I've been thinking about some stuff lately and writing it down always helps. One thing I've thought about during the semester is friendship and love. Now, I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't truly love somebody unless you know their faults, where they've come up short, and the parts of their lives where they struggle, and still love them anyway. As my dad once stated, "my wife knows me better than anyone else and she chooses to love me anyways."

But how much of a friend can you be if you don't know those things about people either. Yes, you can have friends that don't know you deepest, darkest secrets and that's fine. But my guess would be that if you thought of your best friend, part of the reason why they are your best friend is because they know certain things about you and choose to be your friend anyway. There is something special about a friend who knows your weaknesses, faults, and struggles and chooses to like you anyway.

Well, God has blessed me with some awesome new friends this semester, and although I'm not about to spill my guts right now, there's always been something attractive to me about a friend who knows my weaknesses and struggles and hangs out with me anyway (shout out to Vegas PLIA and 2011 IH Staff!). So as I enter this three weeks with no homework, I hope to tackle some questions I've been thinking about throughout the semester and write about them. I'm an honest person and I enjoy talking about my difficulties and struggles with people; it helps to get it out in the open, plus then I feel like they know the REAL me. Hope you enjoy :)

Where Do You Find Your Worth?

Ya ya, I know I haven't posted in a while, but hey, at least I'm back on the horse now (at least for this one post). It's just that there's been this thing bugging me for a while now, and if you read the title, you probably know what it is. It is the question of "Where do I find my worth?" And I know what the answer should be, and even more, I know that God has been working on it in me since school started. Yet, I still have trouble not defining myself by what I'm involved in and how successful I am at it.

Now, I could take the psychology approach and talk about how I grew up in an athletically dominated family and played sports my entire life, which lead me to be ultra competitive. And I could talk about how I've ALWAYS been hard on myself, no matter what I've done. And I could talk about how we live in a culture that judges people based on accomplishments. And I could talk about how all these things ARE true, and to a certain extent, do play a role in the way that I am. But when your willing to look at things honestly, these may be factors, but they are not "deciders." These are not excuses and they do not fully determine or decide who I am or the way I approach life.

Now, I'm sure many of you struggle with this as well, and whether you feel like God is making it an issue in your life is completely between you and Him. It's just been weird for me because I KNOW that God is working it in me, but I am still having trouble. I've been comparing myself to other people a lot this year, trying to define myself based on comparison, but I can be so hard on myself, all I ever see are those who make me feel less than talented, achieved, or any of those other "worldly words" you want to use. I've also been trying to find "where I belong," "what I'm good at," or "what my 'thing' is." And every time I do, the same thought strikes me; "That's not where you find your worth." Yet I still struggle - I still feel less than others. I mean, I don't play an instrument (even though its a huge goal of mine to learn), I can't sing, I don't play sports anymore (which is literally all I did growing up -- P.S. huge mistake), and the theater thing has its own challenges I'm dealing with too. Furthermore, I've had a lot of trouble finding that one group of friends to really connect with this year. Don't get me wrong, anybody that knows me knows that I have friends, I just don't always feel like I have that one really close-knit group. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing the situation and reading to deep into things (that would fit my personality to a T). But over and over the same thought occurs - that's not where you find your worth.

So as I keep dealing with this, and, most importantly, allowing God to work in me, I guess I'll just have to wait and trust. God is faithful, and when His children come to Him with genuine concerns, He is faithful to answer those. So until then, I guess I'll just keep praying, keep waiting, and as my ol' pops says, "Quit trying!"

Ishmael and Jacob . . . The New and the Old

So, before you start reading, let me give you a forewarning. This post is more of a writing just to get down a bunch of stuff that is in my head. I've recently read about Hagar giving birth to Ishmael, Sarah's birth of Isaac, and the consequent kicking out of Hagar and Ishmael. However, as the Old Testament is stuffed with symbolism tighter than my dad's belt after Thanksgiving dinner, we see that Ishmael and Isaac represent the old and new nature of the believer. Hagar symbolizes the working out of our salvation through works (Abram thought He could "help" God with His promise by having a son with Hagar) while Sarah symbolizes our salvation through faith in Jesus. All this is great, but leads to much theologicalizing (ya, that's a word now) when we see Hagar and Ishmael getting the boot after the birth of Isaac.

First, we see that the old self cannot live with the new. Genesis 21:9 states, "And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian . . . mocking [Jacob]." Galatians 4:29 tells us that Ishmael actually persecuted Jacob, which could mean that Ishmael may have wanted to even kill Jacob. We further see this when Sarah asks Abraham to "cast out this bondwoman and her son" - Genesis 21:10. Simply put, we must "cast out" our old nature and put all of our faith in Jesus and the Cross, not in what we can do ourselves.

However, I am not some high and mighty Christian just telling you to do this because Bible says so. The Bible itself tells us this is difficult to do: "And the thing was very grievous to Abraham's sight because of his son" - Gen. 21:11. The casting out of this bondage, that is salvation by works, can be very difficult, but God can never accept that which is the fruit of our own planning.

Finally, it is no wonder how, after Abraham casts out that was the fruit of his own efforts, (salvation through works) that Abimelech (the worldly/earthly/secular king of the region) came to Abraham. Abraham then settled a dispute over the ownership of a well, a major possession in those days. His dispute with the king was settled as Abimelech acknowledged Abraham's ownership of the well, he no longer needed to fear the king, and, in fact, 21:34 says, "And Abraham sojourned in the Philistine's land many days [in fact, until he died]. When we cast out our flesh, our personal abilities, strength, and effort, we need not fear whatever Abimelech may symbolize for us. We can then live in that land, in peace, for "many days."

FUN FACT!!!! Isaac is a type of the Christ. Isaac's name means "laughter:" that is, blessing, life, well-being, increase, healing. And since Isaac was a picture of Christ, we can see a name for Him as "laughter" as well.

OTHER FUN FACT! Genesis 21:21 - "And he [Ishmael] dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt." This is the beginning of the Arab people, that is, the nation that was promised by God to come from Ishmael. These people compose much of the Muslim population of the world today.

Sharing - Our 2nd Greatest Weapon

When we have questions, problems, or struggles, our greatest strength and hope come from God's great love for us. After all, we can cast all our anxiety on God because He cares for us (I Peter 5:7) and we can cast our burden on God, knowing His promises that He will sustain us and that He will not allow a righteous man (a man who finds his righteousness in God) to be moved.

However, one of Satan's tactics against us is convincing us that we can not, or should not, tell others about what we are dealing with. This is ridiculous. As Christians, we have a family of believers that are ready to talk to and pray for us whenever we need it. Everyone deals with questions, problems, and struggles in their life and in their faith, but so few seem willing to talk about them. God is our greatest source of help, but at times His source of help is those around us. So don't be shy, embarrassed, or concerned about what others think. When you open up, you may find yourself surprised at who has gone through similar situations and is ready and willing to impart a little knowledge to you.

So my challenge is to be open about your struggles. Ask the hard questions. Find someone; a parent, friend, teacher, or pastor to talk to. Heck, email, call, text, or talk to me - I would LOVE to help you out! Don't let Satan fool you into thinking you have to put on a fake front or everyone will think you're a horrible Christian. I can't speak for all, but I, personally, have respect for those who are willing to stop attempting to put on a fake bravado and be open and honest about what they deal with. No problem is too big or too "personal." "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16). The prayer of many righteous men can't hurt. Please share, you don't have to do it alone!

Pride

It is interesting to me that you can't spell the word "pride" without the letters D, I, and E. Pride can lead to death, both in a physical and spiritual sense. But pride is also something that needs to be killed in us. That little (or big) part of us that wants to do things, not because it is what God would have us do, but rather because we think someone will notice us (even a cute girl/guy if we're lucky). But pride is also something I have been thinking about lately and was even more confirmed when brought up to me by a co-worker. Pride is something I realize I need to work on. Far too often I find myself wanting to do the right thing, but for the completely wrong reasons. Maybe you can connect; if so, great! Maybe we can talk about it sometime :) If not, that's awesome too; I'm glad you do not struggle with it. One of the biggest challenges I have had is during a morning devotional here at camp. Our chaplain for the week read from the beginning of I Corinthians 13, where Paul writes about how our actions, and even faith, are meaningless if we do not have love. Everything we do needs to be done out of love. And doing everything out of love means sacrificing any selfish reasons we may have for doing said action in the first place. And the crucifying of this selfish nature is the eliminating of pride. I need to make some changes. But you know what? When God asks us to make changes, we can be confident it is out of love. Because even if I can't do a single thing out of love for God, everything He does is out of His love for me and others. What a wonderful thing!!!!

Quit Trying

When was the last time the soundest advice you heard on a subject was "quit trying?" Well, that's exactly what it was for me after a talk with my dad a couple weeks ago. You see, I had gotten caught in the trap that far too many Christians fall into. I had a problem and I was trying to get out of it. I thought I needed to trust God more, you know, have some more of that F-word we're all so keen on. So I thought if I read the Bible and saw where God could be trusted that I could muster up enough to move on . . . too bad it didn't work that way. I was trying so hard to do (and do it myself) what I thought God wanted me to do. But then I received some interesting advice: "Quit trying." It still seems weird to me, but it also has appeared to be Biblically sound. I needed to quit trying so hard to do things myself and allow God to show me His faithfulness and show me that I could trust Him. It seemed weird to me at first, even wrong, but the Bible is FILLED with examples of God proving his faithfulness and love to people. He showed it to Moses (before and after the Exodus), the 1st gen. of Israelites, Joshua, the 2nd gen. of Israelites, Noah, everyone Christ provided miracles for, and the list goes on. I needed to quit trying. We don't have to become superChristians that build ourselves up to God's standards. We can let God show Himself to us and build us in our faith through how He provides for us. The most basic of all Christian commandments, loving God, can only be done because of what God did for us first - I John 4:19 "We love BECAUSE He first loved us."  It's not hypocritical or blasphemes; it's letting God be the center of our faith . . . and sometimes that seems weird for us in a culture where we've moved so far away from it. 

If You Don't Want to Think, Don't Read This

Where does your joy come? Ok, now that you've given yourself the Christian answer of "my joy is in Christ," I want you to think about it. Why do you have joy in Christ? I would guess that about 100% of you (and that might be an understatement), when you really think about it, will realize that your joy comes from your circumstances, or "more Christianly," from what God had blessed you with. I know that is what it was like for me. I had joy in what God had given me, but when God took that, where was I left? So now that you're spiritual mind is running at about 3000 RPM, we can move on.

True joy, true fulfillment and contentment, comes from the development of Christ-like character in us. Remember the beatitudes; remember how you can re-phrase them to "happy are the meek, poor in spirit, etc?" Well, who was the gold standard for all those things -- Jesus was. So, if you are happy in your circumstance, or in what God has blessed you with, good for you. But ask yourself the question. If God all of a sudden took these things away, would I still be happy? I'm afraid the scary answer for most of us would be "no" because we think that the "joy of Christ" is those things. Focus on letting God develop what He wants within you and let true joy, contentment, and fulfillment flow from that. Can't say I've experienced it yet, but God is working it in me.

Trusting in His love and goodness,
Alex

Interesting Thought

So, for a camp thing, we all watched a movie called "Magdalena." Basically, it is the Gospel story told with Mary Magdalen as the narrator and is shown in Muslim countries where women are oppressed and mistreated because of the Islamic faith. But one thing I noticed was when Mary (not Magdalen) was told she was pregnant with Jesus. The interesting thing is that she was told her sister had also become pregnant through God and was 6 months into the pregnancy. Why did this happen? I think it shows something of God proving Himself to Mary in a situation where He was telling her something that was hard to believe and comprehend. And not because He had to, but because He chose to. Throughout the Bible, we see multiple examples of God proving Himself to people, rather than having them blindly trust Him, which He has every right to do. He proved Himself to the Israelites (over and over); He proved Himself when He called Nathaniel under the fig tree and He proves Himself in creation. God doesn't just tell us how powerful He is, He proves it to us. I see a God who is willing to prove Himself to us when we need it. Are there times when He calls us to have a faith or do things without any extra proving - I think yes. But is He above proving Himself to us at other times? Absolutely not.

Doing It For God's Glory

"Do everything for God's glory," "Do everything for God." These are all things we hear, maybe on a daily basis. Are they biblical (and therefore true)? Yes. But what does it really mean? What does it mean that we were created for God's glory? These are questions that I have been probed to investigate and work on. Do I have the answer yet? No. But I do have a few initial thoughts that may differ from what we normally hear. 


First of all, I had to deal with the sense that these truths made it seem as if God was selfish. Well, God's not! God is holy and perfect. NOTHING we can do can bring God more glory. Nothing us imperfect, sinful, righteousness-as-of-filthy-rags humans can do can make God more holy, glorious, and perfect. You can not do enough for God!!!! I'm sorry if that has been your life goal, to do enough for God, but you cannot! What Jesus did for YOU is what makes you righteous in God's eyes. Jesus is our advocate, and He intercedes for us before God. You cannot do enough for God; you deserve hell and nothing less and it is what God did for you that makes what you deserve the opposite of what you receive. 


And that leads to the second thing. We cannot lose track of what God wants to do for us. To be a Christian simply for the things God can give you is wrong, but we cannot lose track of God's awesome love for us that wants the best life possible for us. God WANTS to bless you and lavish His love on you. Please don't lose track of that and become a Christian self-deniest that shuns away all blessing because "you live for God." 

"If we were not allowed to speak of what we value and celebrate what we love and praise what we admire, our joy would not be full. Therefore, if God is truly for us, if he would give us the best and make our joy full, he must make it his aim to win our praise for himself. Not because he needs to shore up some weakness in himself or compensate for some deficiency, but because he loves us and seeks the fullness of our joy that can only be found in knowing and praising him, the most beautiful of all beings.

God is the one Being in all the universe for whom seeking his own praise is the ultimately loving act. For him self-exaltation is the highest virtue. When he does all things "for the praise of his glory" as Ephesians 1 says, he preserves for us and offers to us the only thing in all the world which can satisfy our longings. God is for us, and therefore has been, is now, and always will be, for himself." 

By the way, I didn't say or think of that . . . John Piper did in a sermon in August 1980. That'll mean something to some of you. 

Problems

I was thinking tonight, and a thunk occurred to me. The thunk is as follows:

Problems suck; not exactly a revelation but a generally accepted truth nonetheless. Problems are hard; they are hard to deal with and work through. I've been noticing problems I have with my faith - aspects of my walk that God desires to work on in me. It is tough to realize these problems, to see where I am coming up short, to realize big holes, and to feel like, all of a sudden, that I am nowhere close to where I need to be. But here is the deal with problems. Most of the time (I say most, because God is capable of revealing things to us that fix our problems immediately, making us realize, "Wow, I had a problem there," but more often with big things, it is not that easy), problems have to be recognized before they are fixed. Sure, when we have unrecognized problems, we aren't bothered by them: ignorance is bliss as the old saying goes. It is not until we realize problems that we can work on them and fix them. Once problems are recognized, the "hardness" of it all begins, but that problem is being fixed. And when was the last time that something wasn't better after a problem was fixed? So yes, we are comfortable in our problems when we don't recognize them, and then when we do, it sucks. But that problem is usually not going to be fixed until it has been exposed. I have some exposed problems, some exposed areas that I need to work on. So that is what I will do, not necessarily by doing more myself, but on really praying and seeking God's help and trusting Him that when I honestly come to him with problems I have recognized, that I truly want to fix because I need to for my walk with Him, that He will be faithful to do all He needs to do. God is good, and God is love. He has plans to prosper me, for a future and a hope. He wants the best for me, and He is fully capable of giving it. I will forge ahead knowing that problems I have identified, and problems I need to work on, are happening for a reason, a reason soaked in God's love for me and those He has for me to impact (which could be you!)

I ask, humbly, for your continued prayer. Good things are happening, and it is hard, but for now I plan to forge ahead in God's love and plan for my life.

Something Cool I Came Across

"As for the person who hears my words but does not keep them, I do not judge him. For I did not come to judge the world, but to save it." - John 12:47


"Moreover, the Father judges no one, but has entrusted all judgment to the Son" - John 5:22


Seems contradictory right? Well, it did to me too, but the reason for this makes sense and seemed, at least to me, to be fairly obvious once I found the answer and understood it. We see, in the first verse, that Jesus is not a judge. Then we see that God has entrusted all judgment to Him. How can Jesus, who doesn't judge, be the conductor of all judgment? Well, as usual, it is all in the context. 


Jesus, when He first came to Earth, did not come to judge. It clearly states that in John 12 and in John 8 with the women caught in adultery: "Has no one condemned you . . . Then neither do I condemn you . . . Go and leave your life of sin." Jesus did not come to judge, but rather to save sinners and bring people to Him. 


However, there will be a day when Jesus returns to Earth: "And just as it is appointed for men to die once, and after that comes judgment, so Christ, having been offered once to bear the sins of many, will appear a second time, not to deal with sin but to save those who are eagerly waiting for him" (Hebrews 9:27-28). When Christ returns, that is when He will judge. If you continue on in John 5, it states, "The Father judges no one, but has given all judgment to the Son, that all may honor the Son, even as they honor the Father. He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent him. Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears my word and believes him who sent me, has eternal life; he does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life. Truly, truly, I say to you, the hour is coming, and now is, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself, and has given him authority to execute judgment, because he is the Son of man. Do not marvel at this; for the hour is coming when all who are in the tombs will hear his voice and come forth, those who have done good, to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil, to the resurrection of judgment" (John 5:22-29). The judgment we see of Christ is the authority given to him by God, the authority to judge in man's final days, whether in death or Christ's return. 


Did Christ come to Earth over 2000 years ago to judge? No; He came to save it because "[He] so loved the world." But there is a day coming when He will judge, and rightfully so. That judgment hasn't come yet, and it certainly didn't start this evening at 6PM, but it will one day. A part of me wishes the rapture would have started today; rather, most of me wishes it. You know why?
“No eye has seen, 
no ear has heard, 
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"
1 Corinthians 2:9

Context is pretty important my friends - please don't forget that. 

You've Got To Hear This!!!

"'The silver is mine and the gold is mine,' declares the Lord Almighty. 'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the Lord Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the Lord." - Haggai 2:8-9

Seems like your typical Old Testament verse right; a prophet speaking on Israel and God's dealings with them, right? Wrong! Yes, Haggai is speaking to Judah's leader (Zerubbabel, a.k.a. my first child's name, boy or girl) and their high priest (Joshua). But, in case you didn't know, pretty much everything in the Old Testament is a picture of something else; the nation of Israel that God saved from slavery is us, coming out of Egypt represents us coming out of our sin, the rock that gives water in the desert is Christ, etc. So how does that apply here? Well, buckle your seat belts, because I, personally, was blown away by this.

First, some background. The people here have returned from captivity in Babylon. Nebuchadnezzar had burnt down the original temple built by Solomon and the people are now constructing a new one. However, this new temple cannot compare in glory to Solomon's temple, which was the most glorious building constructed to that day, and maybe ever. Some of the older folk that are watching the new temple being built had actually seen the old temple, in all its glory, and are now mourning over what the new temple is. In their minds, their disobedience to God has cost them big time; they have lost their original temple forever and will never be able to replace its splendor. However, God comes in and speaks the verse above. Good, now you're caught up.

So God basically says, "You know what, all the gold and silver that filled the old temple (and there was A LOT of it), that was mine anyway." Then God tells them that the glory of this new temple will be greater than the former one. It won't just equal it, but it will be GREATER. Why? Well that's a darn good question. And that question is answered by one thing. What temple do you think Jesus walked in to when He came to Earth? That's right, this new temple. So if the gold and silver are all God's anyways, what we are seeing is that what makes this new temple so much greater is who is in it. But remember, all this Old Testament stuff is a picture of something else as well.

When we mess up, when we think we have forfeited what God can do in our lives by the sinful choices we have made, it is NOT the end. What makes the temple (us) great is not what we do, but rather who we allow to work inside us. When we make sinful choices, we forfeit something of God in our lives. But when we repent and allow Jesus to work inside of us, that new temple becomes even GREATER than the old. So if you've ever felt like you lost something in your life due to poor decisions, when you repent before God and allow Jesus to work in your life, you don't have to worry about what you've lost in the presence of God and can never recover, because "the glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house." This shows how unbelievable his mercy and grace are, and how much He loves us.

I, personally, really needed to hear this last night. And big ups to my padre for coming through in the clutch, even though he probably had no idea what it meant to me at the moment. As my struggle seems to just, at times, drag on and on, getting better and better before taking a turn for the worst due to mistakes I make, I think about what God is trying to do in my life and wonder if I will ever have true peace again. I wonder where I would be right now if I hadn't made certain decisions. And I wonder if everything will ever be completely "normal" again. But God states that He hasn't given up on me and He isn't sitting up-stairs thinking, "Boy, I can't do much in this kids life after the mistakes he's made; I had great plans, but now he's gonna have to deal with a little less because he messed up big time." No, I'm allowing Jesus to enter into my life, and God promises the results are going to be even greater!

An Unlikely Simile

I remember at one point during the school year talking to my mom about hard times. I was asking questions and wondering why exactly things had to be so hard, the point of going through difficult times, and how good could come out of so much pain and suffering. I don't remember the exact line of questioning, but we all know the drill, going through tough times is hard, and sometimes we don't understand why it has to be that way (and if you don't "know the drill" still listen up, because this will come in handy one day for you). Well, my mom, in her old-aged wisdom (please don't tell her I called her old, even though she probably won't hear you because, well, you know, she's old) used the simile of child birth to tell me about how much pain a woman goes through when giving birth to a child, but how that pain leads to something that is so very wonderful.

The other day I came across this passage in Isaiah:
"Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery? says the Lord. Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery? says your God. As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem." - Isaiah 66:9,13

I usually go into longer, more drawn out writing about the verses I post on but enough said. Have a great night. I'm out like Hawks in the Eastern Conference Semi's. Have a great night!

Perseverance . . . But I'm Tired

James 1:2-4 states "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Now this is a far cry from the feeling of those whose faith is being tested. And what I mean by that is this; when a Christian feels as if their faith is being tested and strained, at least in my experience, they feel as if they are extremely lacking. I lack comfort; I lack peace; I lack joy; and I lack a desire to press on; I lack in being who I want to be. But au contraire says James. This testing, this straining, this trial you are facing will mature your faith and develop positive things in your spiritual walk and make you . . . wait for it . . . a little longer . . . not lacking ANYTHING. James never looks upon those going through the trial with a sneer or look of contempt either. His passage does not state that the trials themselves are fun to go through. Rather, he looks to the results of these trials. The results of not lacking anything. When we go through these trials and tests of our faith, we learn how to battle through them (develop perseverance) and we learn because, ultimately, we learn so much more in the hard times than in those good times. These results are what make the suffering worth it; and not just worth it, but joyful.

Romans 5:3-5 states "Not only so [rejoicing in the hope of Christ a.k.a. "good"] but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy
Spirit, whom he has given us."

So James tells us that perseverance is formed in us through our faith trials. But what does having this perseverance mean? Well, Paul is nice enough to tell us. This perseverance produces character (see blog entry "My Grandpa Was Awesome" for more on character) and this character produces hope. Now hope is a funny word, because we can put our hope in many things ("for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him" - II Peter 2:19). But Paul, in the last clause of verse 2, says "and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God." Our hope is in God, the one whose compassions never fail (Lam. 3:22), whose faithfulness is great (Lam. 3:23), and who can do more then we can ever ask or even imagine (Eph. 3:20). The one who will take delight in us (Zeph. 3:17), the one who has a good, pleasing, and perfect will for our lives and who has plans for us to prosper, plans for a hope and a future and not to harm us (Rom. 12:2 and Jer. 29:11). We will have hope in a God who doesn't lie or change his mind (Numbers 23:19). We have hope in a God who, in his very essence, is love (I John 4:8).

So there you have it. These trials, these tests and tribulations, are producing something very good, something that I am thankful for and cannot wait to see the fruits of. I have learned so much about God and what it means to be a true Christian. God is working through me in this trial of my faith and he is using it for something good. He is working in me so that I will lack nothing. He is refining me to be like gold :)

End of the Year

        WOW!!!! That's all I can say as I look back over the past year and see all the changes that have taken place in my life. Never in a million, zillion years would I have guessed, just one year ago, that I would be where I am now. This past year has been the most interesting, crazy, stressful, hardest, most difficult year of my entire life. And guess what . . . it's not over yet. However, as I look where I was at in August, when this flash of a school year was just beginning, I cannot help but extremely thankful for all the progress I have made, both personally and spiritually. Do I still struggle, yes I do. But am I doing much better than just a few months ago, you betcha!
          If you had asked me in mid-September if I would have been coming back to Dordt for the spring semester, I would have told you there was no way in the world. I didn't think I had anything here left for me. But guess what!? I did, and it was incredible. I am soooo thankful for all the wonderful people I have met this year that I didn't know last year. The new friends I have made, who have accepted me for who I am, have been incredible and have made this school year what it was for me. My family has been the epidemy of love and understanding as they have guided me through this difficult time, never once showing frustration or anger but always showing love, compassion, and incredible understanding. Finally, I am stand in awe of the opportunities I have had in theater and Comedy League this year. When I lost baseball, which I loved with everything I had, I was incredibly blessed to find something new to put my energy and efforts into. I cannot wait to continue!
           The struggle is frustrating, and I don't always understand why it is happening the way it is, but it has caused me to grow spiritually in awesome ways. It has forced me to take a hard look at aspects of my life and make some really positive changes. I continue to look forward to the day when it is all behind me, and as I look back I realize that chunks of it already are. Do I still struggle with doubt - yes. Do I know why - not really. But I try to trust in that very God and hang onto the fact that he loves me and has a "good and perfect will" for my life; plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for a future and a hope. I cannot thank everyone enough for what they have been to me this year, and I hope and request that you all continue to pray for me as I plug along in this crazy thing called life. I continue to encourage everyone to ask me questions if you have any -- I would love to talk to you. Thank you for a great year and have a wonderful summer!

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you." - James 4:8-10

A Little Change of Pace

So, as a break from the norm in this blog, I thought I would post another song I wrote [in core 145]. Its not a "Christian" song and doesn't have a deep spiritual meaning, it was just a fun song with, in my opinion, some pretty fun lyrics. So without further ado:

Everyone's the same someone had to do it new
I'm a baby in the game comin' straight out the womb.
Got the skills of a surgeon, save the game from the tomb
but I still rock the mic, make the crowd go "oooo."
And the crowd goes "ahhh" and the crowd goes "booo,"
but what do I do, wipe the dust off my shoes
and move on to the next one, maybe they'll like this one
but then the thought hits me . . . "why do I try to impress the ones who diss me?'
So I'll keep doin my thing while the others chase the bling
and the others chase the cars and the others hit up bars
and while others chase the girls I'll be buildin' my world. . . ya I'll be buildin' my world.
By now some of you don't like me, maybe even spite me
but they can act like Tyson and bite me.
And maybe I don't look like the guy that you think I should
I'm shinin' like a star boy, you can call me Hollywood.
I'm livin' like a man should, doin' what I knows good,
no drink, no drugs, no guns, no slugs.
I scare people when I get mad -- like Herman Munster
and I'll devour any rapper here call me the J. Kooke monster.
I'm a murderer, so someone call a priest
or maybe a doctor, cuz I just killed the beat
Someone kill the beat; ok start it up again,
I can't go acapella, I'll leave that to 8 mile 'n' Eminem.
And I don't go hard and I don't pretend to;
like the lonely kid on the playground I just wanna be friends with you.
So why don't you and I make a friendship that lasts
and put our differences behind us, forget about the past.
But I'm gettin in a bad mood, I'll just move on
with a heart of true forgiveness that I'm still workin' on.
I'm becoming a better me, and it's a hard task;
sometimes I wanna quit - will this always last?
But let's get back to where we started and make this a happy song,
like Sandler on the golf course I'm 'bout to get my Gilmore on
and take a trip to my happy place,
a big cabin by the lake
and make your troubles fade away
to fret about another day.
Like the end of a western I'll ride off into the sunset
and hope like a narcoleptic that this puts all your doubts to rest.

What Do YOU Believe?

As some of you may know, I was blessed with the opportunity to attend a conference entitled Calvinism and Culture this weekend at Princeton Seminary (yes, that's THE Princeton). I was able to hear 10 different papers/lectures, most (if not all) were slightly above my head. The presentations were all by very educated men and women whom I am sure all had either Masters or Doctorates. Although I had trouble understanding and following more than I would have like to, I did find myself thinking a lot about one particular aspect of faith.

So much emphasis, which sort of culminated in this conference that was ALL about Abraham Kuyper and Calvinism, seems to be put on denominational and belief differences, especially in the reformed tradition (possibly because they are under a certain amount of heat and the natural reaction is to defend themselves). As the conference rolled along, I seemed to think more and more about what I believe and how that fits into different sects of the Christian religion. I came, and fairly quickly too, to the conclusion that I have decided to put very little, if any, stock in what denomination or branch I am considered. I mean, at Dordt, what is inevitably one of the first questions you get asked when church or faith comes up - "What branch are you from?" Does that really matter? I am going to decide what I believe regardless of what another human says, which brings me to one of my main points.

When we treat what other humans say (i.e. John Calvin, Abraham Kuyper, Martin Luther, MLK) as perfect and without any fault or error, they become God. We cannot take what another human says, who must interpret the Word of God themselves, as such. We must be in Scripture ourselves and figure out what we believe on our own. Is there anything wrong with listening to others who are more spiritually mature, or just flat out smarter than us: of course not! But realize that they are interpreting the Bible just like you or I have to and realize that it is ultimately your responsibility what you choose to believe and practice. If my beliefs end up lining up with someone, say John Calvin, then sure, maybe I'm a Calvinist. But I am sure as heck going to make sure it is in that order and not the other way around.

So do me a favor. Please don't believe something just because a giant of the reformed tradition (or any other tradition for that matter) says it. Please don't fit your beliefs to shape up exactly to what someone else says or what some other group of people says. Be your own Christian, and believe what you have decided is true. If your struggling or have questions, yes, go to sources (books, sermons, spiritual leaders/mentors) and get their opinion, but realize that their opinion is a human one that is not without possible error. And if you can, use the Bible - make sure your sermon, book, spiritual leader/mentor uses the Bible as well; if their answer is rooted in Scripture it has a lot better chance of being true!

My Grandpa Was Awesome

Tonight I watched a sermon that my grandpa had preached while he was still alive. He led off the sermon with something an individual had once told him that he had found to be true: "The only measure of success in the Word of God is character."

"But how exactly do we define character?" he asked. Well according to him, character is "that which we should be rather than what is easy to be. That which we want to be if we're thinking the way God would have us to think rather than that which we would want to be if we are giving way to the flesh in the world and the lusts of this life. That which is shaped when it costs us something." "Character," he states, "is never shaped in the easy way; it never comes easy." But most importantly, my grandpa preaches that the only true definition of character in the Bible is Jesus Christ. Our shaping of character is our shaping and molding into the character and essence of who Jesus was.

Within the sermon, my grandpa gave an illustration he had read in a devotional. A man, while in nature, came upon the cocoon of a moth and brought the cocoon home. The cocoon developed a small hole in the bottom and the moth began to struggle to get out. However, as the man watched the moth struggle for hours, he decided that the moth was struggling too much, that he knew more of what the moth needed than its creator. He then proceeded to cut the hole in the bottom of the cocoon to a bigger size to make the moth's escape easier. The moth came out, but its body was too fat and its wings were underdeveloped. See, in this type of moth, the struggle to get out pushes the juices from the body into the wings, so that when the moth emerges, its wings are nearly fully developed. This moth escaped the cocoon more easily, but its body was too fat and its wings underdeveloped, and it spent the few hours of its life crawling on the ground.

God will use struggle in our life to develop character, to shape us to be more like Him. We are never fulfilled, joyful, or satisfied, my grandpa preached, until Christ-likeness is fulfilled in us; other worldly things will not bring us that.

In the sermon, my grandpa did make the distinction between struggles we suffer due to our own mistakes and suffering for God's name's sake. I don't know how much of my struggle is due to my own stupid mistakes and how much of it God is putting me through and using to develop character and Christ-likeness in me or how much is for God's name's sake. If I knew that, I would be God, and I don't want that responsibility :) However, it is interesting, and comforting, to see struggle in this manner. If God is going to put me through testing/trials and my struggle will develop character in me, I am excited to see what that character is!

Jesus Feels!

There are three more verses that I have been further drawn to in the story of Lazarus in John 11. The first is verse 33, the second is 35, and the third is 38:

John 11:33 - "When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had also come along with her weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled."

John 11:35 - "Jesus wept."

John 11:38a - "Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb."

We see here a picture of a Jesus who was obviously troubled and deeply saddened. Jesus did not simply have a weird feeling in His stomach, but rather he was "deeply moved" and "troubled." Jesus did not simply shed a few tears but rather "wept." And then, for a second time, Jesus was "deeply moved." But why was Jesus deeply moved and why did he weep?

Our initial answer tells us that Jesus felt this way because Lazarus, whom He loved, had died. I'm not sure that is the case. Jesus knew he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead (11:11), so why would He cry over the fact that Lazarus was dead; Lazarus' death did not matter, Jesus was going to reverse it. Throughout the gospels, we see that Jesus was filled with compassion or had pity on those who were suffering and needed healing, but He was not "deeply moved" (these are the only two times in the NIV or ESV that state Jesus was deeply moved) and He did not weep (this is only one of two times recorded where Jesus wept); He was filled with compassion and had pity but then healed them and moved on, so to speak. So why did Jesus react so strongly in this instance?

My theory is that Jesus emotionally-charged response was in fact a response to the suffering of Martha, Mary, and the others weeping. Jesus was not deeply moved, troubled, or weeping because Lazarus died, He was deeply moved by the suffering and grief of those who were left alive. He was troubled by the suffering of Martha and Mary. He wept because of the pain they were experiencing due to Lazarus' death.

How does this apply to today? We serve a Lord who is troubled by our grief and a God who is deeply moved when we suffer. And maybe more importantly, we serve a God who has the power to put an end to that grief, that sadness, that trouble, even if it means reversing death itself.

When Our Timing Doesn't Match

"When he heard this, Jesus said, 'this sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's son may be glorified through it.' Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days." - John 11: 4-6

He stayed two more days . . . Can we please not overlook these five words? Lazarus, a man whom Jesus loved, was dying! He needed help and he needed it pronto, but Jesus stayed where He was for an entire two days. In fact, he stayed because he loved Lazarus and his family ("Jesus loved Martha and Lazarus. So . . . he stayed where he was two more days"). Why is this you may ask? Well, Jesus does not always "heal" us in the timing we deem correct or even necessary. Sometimes Jesus' timing in His faithfulness is just a little different than ours (or a lot different). However, in His time, Jesus healed Lazarus, proving that even death had no power over God's power, and brought God glory. Furthermore, the timing for the "delay" was out of love - Jesus waited because he loved Lazarus.

"At this they tried to seize him, but no one laid a hand on him, because his hour had not yet come." - John 7:30

We see in this verse that God's timing supersedes the timing of us measly humans. The Pharisees wanted to grab hold of God and arrest Him, in fact they even physically tried to. However, it was not Jesus' time (God's timing) and because of this nobody even laid a hand on Him. God had his timing for Jesus' life and His death, and no Pharisee (or us for that manner) was going to stop that. When our timing is in conflict with God's timing, God's timing is going to win out.

"and for your sake I am glad I was not there [with Lazarus], so that you may believe" - John 11:15

Back to the Lazarus story, we see yet another reason for God's timing over what we saw as the obvious timing of  "Jesus get over there now!" God's timing led to the good of others, here the disciples. We see a markedly better outcome here for the disciples when Jesus waited. And if we are to love others, the fact that one result of a continuing struggle we are going through may in fact be the belief of others should bring us at least some amount of joy. I'm not saying it's the only reason for our struggle, or that we should wish to continually struggle just for the good of others, but it can definitely be comforting.

"'Neither this man nor his parents sinned,' said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.'" - John 9:3

When we are in pain, confusion, doubt, or a combination of them all, and God doesn't seem to be helping us, take comfort in this! As a young, immature boy I would read this and see a suffering man that was used so God could show His power to others. As a slightly older, immature "man" who knows a little something about hard times, I see this verse a different way; one's suffering can be used to show God's power to that specific individual. God will use our suffering to show us His power in our lives.

"Let us go back to Judea. But Rabbi . . . the Jews there tried to stone you . . . Jesus answered . . . Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep [died]; but I am going there to wake him up." - John 11: 7b-8, 11b

Simply put, Jesus went back to an area filled with people trying to kill Him in order to heal Lazarus. Why did He do this? Well, I'm sure love played a factor (as it usually does), but also the fact that Jesus had the faith to know that God wanted Him to heal Lazarus and no ticked off Jew with a stone was going to stop that plan. Both these qualities seem to be one's we should strive to emulate.

My timing does not always match up with God's. If I had my way, my struggle would have ended the second I left behind the sins that plagued me and began striving to become closer to God. I mean, doesn't that make sense? Isn't that fair? Well maybe it seems so to me, but God's timing didn't match. God has a reason for this ongoing struggle. He is showing His power to me and using this struggle to obtain a greater good and teach me about Him and His way. And hopefully He is using this situation to show others Himself through me. I know God has a reason for this time in my life, and that timing supersedes any timing I may have had. I continue to try and learn as much as possible, striving to desire God, want Him, and love Him with all my heart. When that struggle ends, I will come forth as gold . . . so you better bring your sunglasses, cuz it's gonna be bright!

I've Been Injured

I recently went to a conference in Nebraska (ya, I know, Nebraska sucks - but I went anyway) and a portion of the large group session concentrated on how we, as Christians, should deal with our wounds. We were told that, when we are wounded, we should tell other Christians and allow them to help us. I believe I've finally found the strength to do that . . . at least in part.

I've been wounded. Now I'm not talking about being wounded by another person, but rather what often times is the worst type of wound, the self-inflicted wound. For many years I battled with sin in my life which led to an unhealthy relationship in my first semester of school. This past summer was the absolute hardest of my life and my own sin and mistrust led to some extremely scary moments. However, by the grace of God, I have come through all of that sin and addiction and no longer am involved with any of that from my sinful past (praise the Lord!!!!). Little did I know, though, that coming to repentance and out of my sin was just the beginning of the battle. 

Throughout the school year, I have dealt with multiple issues of faith in my life. Thank God (literally) that much advancement has been made, but I still struggle. My main struggle, strangely enough, is with doubt. Doubt has plagued me for months now - doubt of God's love, doubt in who God is, even doubt (as hard as it is to admit) that there even is a God. I don't know exactly why I struggle or exactly why God is allowing this to drag on, but I try with all my might to lean on the fact that He has an ultimate reason for this, a reason soaked in love that has nothing but the best life-long intentions for me. So, in the meantime, I try to stay in the Word and learn as much as I can because I know that God is using this time to teach me so much and help me to grow (heck, maybe that's even the "ultimate reason" He's doing it). While I'm waiting, I'll do the best I can to follow God's Word and walk in His way, leaning on the hope I have that one day this trial will come to an end. 

Here is a song I wrote regarding some of what's happening. I've always found that writing helps me when dealing with issues in my life (a part of the reason I decided to start this blog). Every line has meaning; nothing is just thrown in to make a rhyme sound good or make the song flow better. I hope to put it to music soon. Enjoy :) 

Never knew that life could be so hard

and it's all my fault I'm so sorry Lord.

I struggle, I pay, I'm confused, I pray

and get back on my feet for the same old day.

I feel like Pong getting hit back and forth

but I'm more like Frogger getting crushed on the first course.

When will it all end;

when will I be whole;

when will the pain cease;

please Lord free my soul. 

With all the love you exude God I know you care

but, I don't know, sometimes I doubt that you're even there.

And the confusion baffles me,

God I need some slack

cuz I feel like Will Smith walking around like a man in black.

I was happy Lord, when I was soaked in sin,

but now I'm back with you yet the struggle seems to never end. 

Let me see your face, do it I know you can;

let me hear your voice, sweet sounding like a baby grand.

Guide me with you steps, footprints in the sand;

Lord fix my soul, touch me with your healing hands.

I'm like a broken reed swaying in the winds of life

or a candle with a short wick struggling to see the light.

But your word promises you'll uphold both of these;

you don't lie or fib, Lord you never tease,

so I drop to my knees prayin' that you'll take this from me;

please just make it stop, why do you do this to me?

But the Bible says you discipline those you love;

thanks for that little push, thanks for that little shove.

And as I dig into your word like a crazy mole,

I search for those words that can finally make my soul whole.

Show me the living water, make it flow from me;

give me a strong desire, make me wanna see.

Whatever you wanna teach me Lord come on and let it rip;

save me from this struggle before my desire starts to really slip.

Like an acrobat in training, I'm about to flip

and go crazy trying to figure out how exactly you're supposed to fit,

and what I believe, and what I should do;

so many versions of one religion which one is really true?

Which one would you chose? And how do you decide? 

Like a comforting father I just want you Lord by my side.

To the end Lord, I just hope I can make it

and I poor my soul out to you because I know you can take it.

Whisper in m ear; take away my sin.

That's all for now Lord . . . Amen. 

Well if you've made it to the end of this blog then CONGRATULATIONS!!! If there is anything you would like to know about me or my journey, please ask! And if there is anything you would like to say to me, I'd be happy to hear it! My dad once told me that when I come through this I will be refined . . . and refined like gold. I hold those words close and look in thankfulness at what God has already done in my life and in great anticipation to what He still has to do. I am so excited for what my life and what my faith are going to be like once this "storm" has passed. Pray that I will make it and be able to use it in helping others who undoubtedly deal with the same.