Just When I Needed It

I don't normally post my emotions on facebook. In fact, I'm not sure I ever had . . . before tonight. Tonight I caved. And after posting that fateful post (and after one sad face comment and one good friend talking to me) I decided to delete it. I mean, I'm not depressed . . . or a girl :)

Anyway, after I took the post down, I was on my email account and noticed a message my mom had sent me a few days earlier. It was a video about a miracle at a hospital. Since I had the time, I decided to watch it. It was just what I needed, when I needed it. The video itself was about a doctor who felt God asking him to pray over a dead patient; and guess what, the guy ended up coming back to life. The point is this: through this video, I was just reminded of God's power. I'm not sure I can even fully put to words exactly what else I felt, but it was something that was beyond the disappointment of the night. It was God being bigger than the emotion I had felt and unnecessarily posted for the world to see. It was God showing me something of Himself and how He's worked in me. It was God being good.

Dating (Get Your Attention Dordt Students)

So, as an upperclassman student at good ol' Dordt College, I'm naturally worried about dating . . . ok so I'm not that worried. But still, you can't argue the dominion the topic has over the entire campus. And if you aren't from Dordt, imagine something like The Bachelor: Christian College Edition and you'll start to get the picture. But I have been thinking about the topic lately for different reasons and I've had some thoughts. These is what I've thunked:

I've thought about what a guy should be in a relationship. I look around at different relationships and "interests" and I can't help but think that that's not what those girls really need. Men are supposed to be spiritual leaders. A relationship, if it is part of God's will, will bring the two closer to God. The guy will be able to help the girl where she needs it and vice versa. A God-honoring relationship will not cause either member to have to split their time between their significant other and God, but rather the relationship, as a single entity, will provide each member a way to become closer.

So what does the guy have to do with this? The man is responsible for leading the relationship in this direction. And often times, that means leading the relationship away from other directions. One thing that will almost never fail to get under my skin is a guy who forces his girlfriend into, let's say, "non-Christian" circumstances, probably because, in the past, I've been that guy myself. Girls long for acceptance, like anyone else, and, at times, will surrender to a guy who is pursuing, let's say, the "wrong things." Men, we are responsible to make sure this doesn't happen. Can the girls play a part? Absolutely! But in the end, we are the ones who are ultimately responsible. It is a beautiful, yet difficult responsibility.

And as the head of the relationship, us guys need to take responsibility for the spiritual development of it too. Ever had this scenario: you're on a date with a girl you like and the food comes. Who prays? Do you pray? I mean, there's a lot of people around. Just do it! I've been there and I know it can feel crazy awkward, but step out on that limb. And it's obviously more than prayer. Take responsibility for leading her in the right direction, showing her that you care about her spiritual health and maturity and that you want to be a part of its improvement and growth. We are responsible for the spiritual health of the relationship - don't take that lightly. So girls, I ask you to consider - is the guy you are interested in, or even dating, fulfilling his responsibility to you? Is he leading you in the right direction? Is he leading himself in the right direction? Spiritually, is this the kind of guy you want, or should, be dating?

As an addendum, I would like to make a couple of things clear. Number one, I am not saying this from a judgmental seat of "I'm these things and others aren't." People that know my story understand that I haven't always been these things, and even now I know there are things I need to work on. Secondly, I'm not writing this to just try and impress anyone. I mean, I have another whole year to find that "special someone" before I go out into the world and am incapable of ever meeting another girl again (sounds ridiculous doesn't it senior people freaking out). Finally, I would like to make the point that I DID NOT address the idea of who should make the first move or anything of that sort . . . don't get me started.

Well, that's enough for now. The Yankees have started the season 0-3, so I'm going to go cry a little.

A Fear I Have

I have known for a while, although I have thought about it more in the last few days, about I fear I have when reading the Bible. Maybe this is a weird fear that nobody else has, but it is a fear that I have: I have the fear that, through reading the Bible, that I will find something about God that I don't like or agree with. I mean, it's hard enough to read the Bible sometimes with all the genocide not only condoned by God, but ordered by Him, and to put instances such as that in the right context so as to see God in them through the right glasses. But I find myself reading the Bible apprehensively in fear that something God does or says will pop up somewhere and I won't like it or agree with it. Of course, the question lingering in my mind on top of this fear is, "If I find something about God that I don't like or agree with, then what in the world do I do?" And I know that this effects my reading - it HAS to. But I don't know how to change it. Luckily, God does.

Venting

You know all those people who use their blogs to vent about their "problems" because they think the world cares . . .and then subsequently get made fun of. Well, I'm about to become, for just one entry, one of those people. And guess what, I don't care! Writing has always been, and probably always will be, one of my most effective ways of simply spewing out how I feel. It's like therapy, only way cheaper and there's less questions about my mom. So without further ado, here it is:

I just got done playing another IM basketball game and maybe it's because I hate losing, or maybe it's because, tonight, I just did not play well. But I was just frustrated beyond belief after the game. And it's not just because of that game - playing these games brings out my frustration from high school sports as well. You see, sports was all I did in high school, and I was good at it, really good (and anyone that knows me, knows it's out of my character to talk about myself like that). But I feel like I never got the chance to even come close to being the athlete I was capable of. I went to a crappy, tiny high school in Southern California and played four years of crappy baseball. While most kids were playing 20-30 game seasons in the spring and THEN playing even more games in the fall, I played four lousy 20-game seasons. When I came to college, there were other baseball players who played almost as many games per year as I did in my entire high school career. I never got the chance to play AAU ball (if you don't know what that is, don't worry about it) and even the public league team I was on before I started high school ball sucked. My 11-year-old Little League team was the last good baseball team I played on. Then there was basketball. I played for four years in high school and never once had a combination of even a decent coach and team together. My dad (who is a great coach) coached one year, but with sub-par players, and then was unfairly forced out. I then had three coaches over the next three years, none of which knew what they were doing. Football was decent. My senior year team went to section semifinals, but football wasn't really my thing, and the head coach so much didn't like me for no reason, that the next year I heard that the new guy who was getting yelled at for no reason during film sessions was referred to as "the new Alex."

Then I came to college, where I thought things would change. I was psyched to play baseball at a college level, but it was just another disappointment. I loved the guys I played with, but the coaching was terrible. I literally, and I'm not joking, probably got a total of about 10 minutes of coaching my entire freshman year. Then, only a week and one rain-drenched scrimmage into my sophomore year, I, among others, was cut. Yes, my coach believed that he could tell who would and would not help the team after only a week of practices and one scrimmage that was in the rain. The fact that the team went 3-30 that year speaks for itself.

Now, I truly understand, after looking back, that it was God that took me away from sports and brought me into other interests. But it's still tough at times . . . like now. Yes, I'm involved in theater, but I realize that I'm nothing special as an actor. I may be better than the average, random person, but when I'm around other actors, it's obvious that I'm average. And yes, I can dance a little. Once again, I'm probably better than the average person, but when I get around other dancers, it's once again painfully obvious that I'm nothing special. I've been struggling lately with the idea that I'm not better at the things I'm involved in, because I want to be involved in something that I love and be AWESOME at it. But the reality is, I'm still probably a better athlete than actor or dancer, and that's a talent that I don't really get to use any more and, as stated above, never got to fully develop.

I truly believe that God has plans for me. And I DO believe that they are wicked awesome. But it doesn't help me right now when I feel like I'm average at a lot of things and not that good at any of them. Even when those plans are fulfilled, my talents won't be any different. And even though I believe my identity should be in Christ, I feel like that identity is separate from my talents and abilities. Yes, I'm perfect in Christ's eyes, and that's amazing, but it doesn't make me a better athlete, actor, or dancer.

I realize that I am hard on myself, to the point where I haven't even looked at some of the pictures of me from RUSH because I know that I'll see something that I did wrong or poorly and feel crappy. And I realize that I am insecure in many areas. And I also realize that being insecure is usually related to girls, but hey, I've always been an emotional guy and I can accept that fact. Besides, chicks dig emotional dudes. But I also realize that Christ is bigger than any problem and that we are called to cast our anxieties on Him. If you've read my more recent entries, you know that I've been waiting for God to do something in my life. Well, I'm still waiting. I want . . . I need God to do something in my life. I'm tired of going to class, doing homework, and wrestling with feelings of insecurity and not being good enough. I know that I can't just muster up the different feelings, or force a change of heart. I need God to work in me and do the things He has promised. I need God . . . I just need God.

P.S. I'm not writing this for people to feel sorry for me or tell me that I'm good at this-or-that. But if you've struggled with this too, you aren't alone. And I love being the guy who can talk about things that others maybe aren't as comfortable talking about and let them know they aren't alone. If you want, or need, to talk, either because you're struggling or have something to tell me,  I'm totally down. Maybe I can fit you into my schedule :)

Grace Is More

What is grace? I'm not even going to pretend to understand or know the full extent of God's grace, because I know that I cannot. But what I do know is that we undervalue and underappreciate it. And I think that part of that is because we haven't taken the time to more fully understand what God's grace does. Too often, we see God's grace as simply the forgiveness of sin. If asked what God's grace was, we would give the "Christian" response of, "God's grace forgave me for my sins. Because God has grace, He completely forgives me and acts like it never happened." This IS great news, but as far as being a Godly thing goes, it's not even impressive.

And the reason I can say that is because that definition of grace is no different than what a normal person can do. And if a normal person can do it on their own (without God's help), is it really that impressive if God can? You, yes you, the reader, could walk up to me and punch me in the face for no reason. Now, that is a sin against me. As a fellow, sinful human being, I can choose to forgive you. Moreover, I can choose to completely forgive you. And even further than that, I can choose to completely forgive you and act like it never happened. I can continue my relationship with you in full forgiveness, choosing to act like you never punched me in the face. Would I do that? I don't know. But the point is, I could. A crappy human being just exhibited grace in the same way that many Christians would describe God's grace. In fact, non-Christian humans everywhere forgive other people and move on in that forgiveness every day.

So what makes God's grace so awesome? Yes, the above reason is part of it. It is great that God would look at us, forgive us, and move on from our constant sin. But there's more. What can human's not do that God can? Well, for one, if you punch me in the face, that sin effects you, just like every other sin. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot make up for how your sin effects you. No matter how much I forgive you, I can't do it. But God's grace can! The wages of sin is death . . . DEATH, but God's grace overcomes that. Sin separates us from God and keeps us from His inherent love and goodness, but His grace covers that. God's grace covers how our sins effect us spiritually. Think about that for a second; meditate on the fact that God's grace completely covers the effect your sin (once again, DEATH) has on your life and allows you to be molded into the being God has planned for you and allows God to move you into the plans He has for your life (abundant life - John 10:10). God's grace is what allows God to be more prevalent in your life; it's what allows God to help you love Him more; and it's what allows God to move you into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Himself.

Secondly, no matter how much I forgive you, I can't change you. But God's grace changes us. According to I John 1:9, God's forgiveness purifies us from ALL unrighteousness and reconciles us back to Him. God's grace and forgiveness gives us Christ's righteousness in God's eyes, a gift no human can give. In fact, in God's eyes, we are perfect.

Thirdly, God's grace gives us eternal life. While we were dead in our sin, God's grace gives us eternal life with the very one we rejected.

So don't put God's grace in a box. You will never be able to understand it completely, but that just means there is always room to understand it more fully. Pray that God will show you more and more what His grace has done for you, and realize the only reason God can do that is because His grace allows it. I have only given a couple examples of the wonderfulness of God's grace - there are many more! Read Ephesians 2:1-7 and allow God to show you something of Himself.

Why?

It's the most unasked question in the Christian language, and it's a shame. I've always been a "why" type guy, someone who questions things, especially in the Bible. At times, though, I've felt like a subpar Christian because I have the audacity to ask a "why" question of God. We get told all these things about God, read all this stuff in the Bible, and then are just expected to accept what it says because it's the Bible - accept God for who He is simply because He's God. But how much do you learn when you blindly accept? How much do you grow in your relationship with Christ when aren't willing to probe the "why" of certain things. Well, you certainly don't grow as much as you possibly could.
Recently, I started reading "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell, and in just the first couple chapters, he talks about asking questions and trying to understand Scripture. In fact, he deems it as a necessary part of reading Scripture. So why don't we ask "why?" I think it's because we are scared. We think that if we question or wonder anything about God or the Bible, then we are doing something wrong. But are we really going to make God that small? Are we really going to serve a God who is too small to answer a question or who is too conceited to be asked about His actions or plan? Even Abraham asked God, "Will not the Judge of all the Earth do right?" Abraham has the "audacity" to think that what God is doing is wrong . . . and he ASKS Him about it. And what does God do? He talks to Abraham and answers His question; He doesn't get made or self-righteous.
So don't be afraid to ask the why question. And don't fall into the trap of assuming you are the only one with that question, so the fact that you have it means your a terrible Christian. In fact, not only does someone else have that same question or questions, but there's probably been an entire book written about it. Ask those questions, and allow God to answer them for you, whether it be through Scripture, the Holy Spirit, or someone that you talk to.

Matthew 7:7 - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

What I'm After

So, this may be slightly similar to my last posting, but it's MY blog and I get to do what I want, so HA! Recently, I've felt like God has blessed me by showing me what the life of a follower of Christ can be. He's showed me the peace, hope, and joy that we have through Him and our relationship with Him; He's showed me His redeeming power and how He is willing to accept us when we come back to Him; and He's shown me that He has great plans for the lives of his followers. It's been great to see these things, but then, on the other hand, I've also seen that I don't possess a lot of this. So although it's great to further realize the life a Christian can have as a follower of Christ, it's been difficult to see that I don't have a lot of it.

So what's the answer to this. Can I magically conjure up more love for God and a deeper, more personal relationship? Well . . . no. So where does that put me? Well, it puts me in one of the hardest, but also best, places one can be put - in reliance on God. I know that I lack some of the awesome things God and His Holy Spirit provide through a relationship with Jesus, things that go beyond the material. But I also know that I am asking the most powerful being ever to help me with those things and provide them for me. So I'll keep praying to know God more, to love Him more, and to experience a deeper, closer, more intimate relationship with Him that leads to a changed heart and a greater sense of peace and satisfaction in my life. I know God works in His own timing, but hopefully He'll get crackin' on this one pretty quickly :)

Where is the Joy?

Sorry I haven't kept up as rigidly as I would have like to over Christmas break, but then again, it's break. But to get right into it, over the past few months, probably the biggest question I've had regarding my faith deals with joy. I've always heard that following God brings you the most satisfying life; the most fulfilling life; and the life filled with the truest joy. But I haven't always felt that and it's made me wonder what in the world is going on. Following God has seemed more like a job I have to get up and do every morning rather than a joy. Following His commands has been difficult at times and has felt like something I try to do despite what I actually want to do, rather than doing it out of gratitude or a loving response to how He loves me. Through all of this, I've realized that I need to know God more; I'm not talking about knowing more about Him, but rather knowing Him more personally and developing a closer, more personal, more intimate relationship with Him.

So I spent time in prayer, asking God to help me know Him more, love Him more, and develop a deeper, more personal relationship with Him, knowing that if I knew him more intimately and deeply, then my heart would change and, ultimately, my faith; my desire, commitment, and obedience would be through my relationship with God and how it changed my heart, it would be based out of my love for Him and as a response to His love and care for me. I was excited about what was to come, but I didn't see much change. Through what the Bible says and reading/hearing others speak, I've realized more fully what the Christian life should be characterized by, including the joy that should come with it. Yes, we may have troubled times, but even in the midst of destruction and forcing into slavery, God told the Israelites that He knew the plans for them, and that they were plans to prosper them and not harm them (Jer 29.11). Yes, we may have dark places we find ourselves in, but God's word is about redemption; God promises to redeem us and bring us back to Him, where we find joy in his presence and eternal pleasures at his right hand (Psalm 16.11). God loves us like we are his children (I John 3.1) and a father wants nothing but the best for his kids. Yes, the father may allow his children to face tough times for their own good, but he always loves them and has in mind what is ultimately best for them. So I believe God has a joyous, happy, peaceful life for us through Himself and bringing Him glory; we may face tough times, but when we have the peace and joy God gives, it triumphs over anything this world can throw at it. 

But through learning this, I've also come to the realization that I lack it. And it sucks, because I want that and I know how to get it, but it doesn't seem to always be happening. I don't always see the promises of joy and peace coming into my life and it makes me wonder what's going on. And the worst part, it tempts me to forget about it all and find my own joy and happiness. Ya, I can admit it - I've been tempted, in the midst of real troubles I've had and frustrations of constant doubt and questioning, to simply forget about the whole God thing altogether. I mean, I've thought that if my faith is causing the most stress and non-joy in my life, then I should just forget about it and find happiness on my own through what I know I can be happy doing (aka sin). Obviously I haven't done that, but I'm trying to be honest about the questions I've faced and the issues I've struggled with. What I've learned over the past year and a half is priceless, and God has constantly been working on me - one thing after another. But if He loves me, then it's for a reason. He promises deliverance and he promises peace and joy, so the questioning, searching, and difficulties are developing something in me for what He has planned for my future. And if He's doing this to me now, I'm excited to see what it's all for. 

Just Talk About It!!!!

I think that people that know me well enough will know that I'm not being a hypocrite by what I'm about to state in this post. But one thing that I've thought about at different times is how shameful it is that people struggle on their own. Then my friend Trevor (who's getting married today!) went to a conference in Kansas City and was kind enough to tell me about it when he came back. At one of the talking sessions (I think that's what they're officially called) the speaker talked about 4 different things regarding some aspect of Christianity. The incredible vagueness at which I just attempted to describe that something is beside the point, but one of the 4 things was that people don't talk to others about their troubles and struggles. To me, this was like, "yes! somebody actually thinks the same thing!" You see, so often we feel ashamed or unworthy, and those feelings keep us from expressing the very things we need to talk about. We sit and stew on problems and struggles we face, always feeling ashamed and keeping them bottled up inside, never letting anyone know what we are really thinking. We think others will judge us, think we're weird, or think that we're subpar Christians, and never wrap our minds around the fact that everyone struggles! You cannot deal with an issue of faith or anything else that someone else hasn't already dealt with; you are never alone.

God gave us other people to talk to and fellowship with, and part of this talking and fellowship involves helping others where they need it. Often times, and listen up here, the way God helps us is through others. Often times, the knowledge and wisdom of others is what God can, and will, use to help us right where we need it. So if you struggle with something, you don't have to suffer or deal with it on your own! Find someone who loves you and someone you trust and spill your guts. Heck, talk to me if you want - I love talking to people and learning about their stories, and I know there are others who feel the same way. YOU DON'T HAVE TO STRUGGLE ALONE!!!!

Worship

One thing I've thought about throughout the semester is "worship" and what it actually is, especially within the context of singing (aka chapel, GIFT, P&W). Throughout the year, I've tried to get into it, but, honestly, I've struggled to really "feel it." At points I can't get passed the shallowness of the lyrics, at others points I wonder why God requires us to praise Him, and still, at other times, I just can't get into it. But then I began to think about WHY we worship God and WHY we sing songs to Him. And something clicked - what if we weren't singing to God for God; what if we were singing to God for us? 


I believe it was John Piper who coined the term "Christian Hedonist" (and if it wasn't Piper, he's the one who has popularized it). Sam Storms has followed in the same direction as a Christian hedonist, largely due to one quote by Jonathon Edwards. Edwards stated, "now what is glorifying God, but a rejoicing at that glory he has displayed?  . . .Neither can the highest end of creation be the declaring [of] God's glory to others; for the declaring [of] God's glory is good for nothing otherwise than to raise joy in ourselves and others in what is declared." In fact, Storms goes on to state, "to come to God or to worship him or to yield to his moral will for any reason other than the joy that is found in who he is, is sinful." Think about it this way (it helped me). If your friend told you that he really enjoyed being with you, you wouldn't accuse him/her of being selfish, because the fact that they find joy in hanging out with you shows you that they find value in the relationship. In fact, you would be taken aback (ya, taken aback) if your friends didn't enjoy being with you. Is God any different? If God is the source of your greatest delight and joy, then you are God-centered, not selfish. As Francis Chan puts it, "right now a hundred million angels are praising God's name; He certainly doesn't need to beg or plead with us." 


This, inevitably, leads to the larger question of "why does God require us to bring Him glory in all we do?; why are we supposed to be constantly bringing God glory?; Isn't that selfish and why does He need it?" Well, this is ultimately the same question as above, only on a bigger scale - instead of wondering why we are worshiping God through song, we're wondering why we are worshiping/bringing God glory through everything we do. John Piper addressed this question many years ago in a sermon series he gave. Piper spoke about praising what we enjoy, but he also spoke about praise being the climax of our joy. C.S. Lewis one said, "but the most obvious fact about praise - whether of God or anything - strangely escaped me. I thought of it in terms of compliment, approval, or the giving of honor. I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise unless (sometimes even if) shyness of the fear of boring others is deliberatley brought in to check it . . . I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment. It is appointed consummation. It is not out of compliment that lovers keep on telling one another how beautiful they are, the delight is incomplete till it is expressed." Piper goes on to state, "if God is truly for us, if he would give us the best and make our joy full, he must make it his aim to win our praise for himself. Not because he needs to shore up some weakness in himself or compensate for some deficiency, but because he loves us and seeks the fullness of our joy that can only be found in knowing and praising him . . . God is the one being in all the universe for whom seeking his own praise is the ultimate loving act." 


There you have it. God knows that our truest joy, our strongest peace, our deepest sense of fulfillment, lies fully in Him. The more of Him we have, the more joy, peace, and fulfillment we experience. Therefore, He desires to bring us closer to Him and He desires us to bring Him glory and praise because He loves us and wants the best for us. So next time you find yourself in a situation where you are singing to God, don't think about yourself simply giving God what He deserves; (if the aim of your faith is simply to give God what He deserves, you'll strive forever and never come close) think about how God desires this to bring you the greatest joy and fulfillment. 


P.S. Here are the links to the articles that I quoted:
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/is-god-for-us-or-for-himself
http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-life-changing-discovery-of-christian-hedonism?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+DGBlog+%28DG+Blog%29

Hello . . . It's Been A While

Ya, I know its been a while since I did this whole blog thing, but hey, it's Christmas break and I've got nothing better to do. Plus, I've been thinking about some stuff lately and writing it down always helps. One thing I've thought about during the semester is friendship and love. Now, I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't truly love somebody unless you know their faults, where they've come up short, and the parts of their lives where they struggle, and still love them anyway. As my dad once stated, "my wife knows me better than anyone else and she chooses to love me anyways."

But how much of a friend can you be if you don't know those things about people either. Yes, you can have friends that don't know you deepest, darkest secrets and that's fine. But my guess would be that if you thought of your best friend, part of the reason why they are your best friend is because they know certain things about you and choose to be your friend anyway. There is something special about a friend who knows your weaknesses, faults, and struggles and chooses to like you anyway.

Well, God has blessed me with some awesome new friends this semester, and although I'm not about to spill my guts right now, there's always been something attractive to me about a friend who knows my weaknesses and struggles and hangs out with me anyway (shout out to Vegas PLIA and 2011 IH Staff!). So as I enter this three weeks with no homework, I hope to tackle some questions I've been thinking about throughout the semester and write about them. I'm an honest person and I enjoy talking about my difficulties and struggles with people; it helps to get it out in the open, plus then I feel like they know the REAL me. Hope you enjoy :)

Where Do You Find Your Worth?

Ya ya, I know I haven't posted in a while, but hey, at least I'm back on the horse now (at least for this one post). It's just that there's been this thing bugging me for a while now, and if you read the title, you probably know what it is. It is the question of "Where do I find my worth?" And I know what the answer should be, and even more, I know that God has been working on it in me since school started. Yet, I still have trouble not defining myself by what I'm involved in and how successful I am at it.

Now, I could take the psychology approach and talk about how I grew up in an athletically dominated family and played sports my entire life, which lead me to be ultra competitive. And I could talk about how I've ALWAYS been hard on myself, no matter what I've done. And I could talk about how we live in a culture that judges people based on accomplishments. And I could talk about how all these things ARE true, and to a certain extent, do play a role in the way that I am. But when your willing to look at things honestly, these may be factors, but they are not "deciders." These are not excuses and they do not fully determine or decide who I am or the way I approach life.

Now, I'm sure many of you struggle with this as well, and whether you feel like God is making it an issue in your life is completely between you and Him. It's just been weird for me because I KNOW that God is working it in me, but I am still having trouble. I've been comparing myself to other people a lot this year, trying to define myself based on comparison, but I can be so hard on myself, all I ever see are those who make me feel less than talented, achieved, or any of those other "worldly words" you want to use. I've also been trying to find "where I belong," "what I'm good at," or "what my 'thing' is." And every time I do, the same thought strikes me; "That's not where you find your worth." Yet I still struggle - I still feel less than others. I mean, I don't play an instrument (even though its a huge goal of mine to learn), I can't sing, I don't play sports anymore (which is literally all I did growing up -- P.S. huge mistake), and the theater thing has its own challenges I'm dealing with too. Furthermore, I've had a lot of trouble finding that one group of friends to really connect with this year. Don't get me wrong, anybody that knows me knows that I have friends, I just don't always feel like I have that one really close-knit group. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing the situation and reading to deep into things (that would fit my personality to a T). But over and over the same thought occurs - that's not where you find your worth.

So as I keep dealing with this, and, most importantly, allowing God to work in me, I guess I'll just have to wait and trust. God is faithful, and when His children come to Him with genuine concerns, He is faithful to answer those. So until then, I guess I'll just keep praying, keep waiting, and as my ol' pops says, "Quit trying!"

Ishmael and Jacob . . . The New and the Old

So, before you start reading, let me give you a forewarning. This post is more of a writing just to get down a bunch of stuff that is in my head. I've recently read about Hagar giving birth to Ishmael, Sarah's birth of Isaac, and the consequent kicking out of Hagar and Ishmael. However, as the Old Testament is stuffed with symbolism tighter than my dad's belt after Thanksgiving dinner, we see that Ishmael and Isaac represent the old and new nature of the believer. Hagar symbolizes the working out of our salvation through works (Abram thought He could "help" God with His promise by having a son with Hagar) while Sarah symbolizes our salvation through faith in Jesus. All this is great, but leads to much theologicalizing (ya, that's a word now) when we see Hagar and Ishmael getting the boot after the birth of Isaac.

First, we see that the old self cannot live with the new. Genesis 21:9 states, "And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian . . . mocking [Jacob]." Galatians 4:29 tells us that Ishmael actually persecuted Jacob, which could mean that Ishmael may have wanted to even kill Jacob. We further see this when Sarah asks Abraham to "cast out this bondwoman and her son" - Genesis 21:10. Simply put, we must "cast out" our old nature and put all of our faith in Jesus and the Cross, not in what we can do ourselves.

However, I am not some high and mighty Christian just telling you to do this because Bible says so. The Bible itself tells us this is difficult to do: "And the thing was very grievous to Abraham's sight because of his son" - Gen. 21:11. The casting out of this bondage, that is salvation by works, can be very difficult, but God can never accept that which is the fruit of our own planning.

Finally, it is no wonder how, after Abraham casts out that was the fruit of his own efforts, (salvation through works) that Abimelech (the worldly/earthly/secular king of the region) came to Abraham. Abraham then settled a dispute over the ownership of a well, a major possession in those days. His dispute with the king was settled as Abimelech acknowledged Abraham's ownership of the well, he no longer needed to fear the king, and, in fact, 21:34 says, "And Abraham sojourned in the Philistine's land many days [in fact, until he died]. When we cast out our flesh, our personal abilities, strength, and effort, we need not fear whatever Abimelech may symbolize for us. We can then live in that land, in peace, for "many days."

FUN FACT!!!! Isaac is a type of the Christ. Isaac's name means "laughter:" that is, blessing, life, well-being, increase, healing. And since Isaac was a picture of Christ, we can see a name for Him as "laughter" as well.

OTHER FUN FACT! Genesis 21:21 - "And he [Ishmael] dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt." This is the beginning of the Arab people, that is, the nation that was promised by God to come from Ishmael. These people compose much of the Muslim population of the world today.

Sharing - Our 2nd Greatest Weapon

When we have questions, problems, or struggles, our greatest strength and hope come from God's great love for us. After all, we can cast all our anxiety on God because He cares for us (I Peter 5:7) and we can cast our burden on God, knowing His promises that He will sustain us and that He will not allow a righteous man (a man who finds his righteousness in God) to be moved.

However, one of Satan's tactics against us is convincing us that we can not, or should not, tell others about what we are dealing with. This is ridiculous. As Christians, we have a family of believers that are ready to talk to and pray for us whenever we need it. Everyone deals with questions, problems, and struggles in their life and in their faith, but so few seem willing to talk about them. God is our greatest source of help, but at times His source of help is those around us. So don't be shy, embarrassed, or concerned about what others think. When you open up, you may find yourself surprised at who has gone through similar situations and is ready and willing to impart a little knowledge to you.

So my challenge is to be open about your struggles. Ask the hard questions. Find someone; a parent, friend, teacher, or pastor to talk to. Heck, email, call, text, or talk to me - I would LOVE to help you out! Don't let Satan fool you into thinking you have to put on a fake front or everyone will think you're a horrible Christian. I can't speak for all, but I, personally, have respect for those who are willing to stop attempting to put on a fake bravado and be open and honest about what they deal with. No problem is too big or too "personal." "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16). The prayer of many righteous men can't hurt. Please share, you don't have to do it alone!

Pride

It is interesting to me that you can't spell the word "pride" without the letters D, I, and E. Pride can lead to death, both in a physical and spiritual sense. But pride is also something that needs to be killed in us. That little (or big) part of us that wants to do things, not because it is what God would have us do, but rather because we think someone will notice us (even a cute girl/guy if we're lucky). But pride is also something I have been thinking about lately and was even more confirmed when brought up to me by a co-worker. Pride is something I realize I need to work on. Far too often I find myself wanting to do the right thing, but for the completely wrong reasons. Maybe you can connect; if so, great! Maybe we can talk about it sometime :) If not, that's awesome too; I'm glad you do not struggle with it. One of the biggest challenges I have had is during a morning devotional here at camp. Our chaplain for the week read from the beginning of I Corinthians 13, where Paul writes about how our actions, and even faith, are meaningless if we do not have love. Everything we do needs to be done out of love. And doing everything out of love means sacrificing any selfish reasons we may have for doing said action in the first place. And the crucifying of this selfish nature is the eliminating of pride. I need to make some changes. But you know what? When God asks us to make changes, we can be confident it is out of love. Because even if I can't do a single thing out of love for God, everything He does is out of His love for me and others. What a wonderful thing!!!!

Quit Trying

When was the last time the soundest advice you heard on a subject was "quit trying?" Well, that's exactly what it was for me after a talk with my dad a couple weeks ago. You see, I had gotten caught in the trap that far too many Christians fall into. I had a problem and I was trying to get out of it. I thought I needed to trust God more, you know, have some more of that F-word we're all so keen on. So I thought if I read the Bible and saw where God could be trusted that I could muster up enough to move on . . . too bad it didn't work that way. I was trying so hard to do (and do it myself) what I thought God wanted me to do. But then I received some interesting advice: "Quit trying." It still seems weird to me, but it also has appeared to be Biblically sound. I needed to quit trying so hard to do things myself and allow God to show me His faithfulness and show me that I could trust Him. It seemed weird to me at first, even wrong, but the Bible is FILLED with examples of God proving his faithfulness and love to people. He showed it to Moses (before and after the Exodus), the 1st gen. of Israelites, Joshua, the 2nd gen. of Israelites, Noah, everyone Christ provided miracles for, and the list goes on. I needed to quit trying. We don't have to become superChristians that build ourselves up to God's standards. We can let God show Himself to us and build us in our faith through how He provides for us. The most basic of all Christian commandments, loving God, can only be done because of what God did for us first - I John 4:19 "We love BECAUSE He first loved us."  It's not hypocritical or blasphemes; it's letting God be the center of our faith . . . and sometimes that seems weird for us in a culture where we've moved so far away from it. 

If You Don't Want to Think, Don't Read This

Where does your joy come? Ok, now that you've given yourself the Christian answer of "my joy is in Christ," I want you to think about it. Why do you have joy in Christ? I would guess that about 100% of you (and that might be an understatement), when you really think about it, will realize that your joy comes from your circumstances, or "more Christianly," from what God had blessed you with. I know that is what it was like for me. I had joy in what God had given me, but when God took that, where was I left? So now that you're spiritual mind is running at about 3000 RPM, we can move on.

True joy, true fulfillment and contentment, comes from the development of Christ-like character in us. Remember the beatitudes; remember how you can re-phrase them to "happy are the meek, poor in spirit, etc?" Well, who was the gold standard for all those things -- Jesus was. So, if you are happy in your circumstance, or in what God has blessed you with, good for you. But ask yourself the question. If God all of a sudden took these things away, would I still be happy? I'm afraid the scary answer for most of us would be "no" because we think that the "joy of Christ" is those things. Focus on letting God develop what He wants within you and let true joy, contentment, and fulfillment flow from that. Can't say I've experienced it yet, but God is working it in me.

Trusting in His love and goodness,
Alex

Interesting Thought

So, for a camp thing, we all watched a movie called "Magdalena." Basically, it is the Gospel story told with Mary Magdalen as the narrator and is shown in Muslim countries where women are oppressed and mistreated because of the Islamic faith. But one thing I noticed was when Mary (not Magdalen) was told she was pregnant with Jesus. The interesting thing is that she was told her sister had also become pregnant through God and was 6 months into the pregnancy. Why did this happen? I think it shows something of God proving Himself to Mary in a situation where He was telling her something that was hard to believe and comprehend. And not because He had to, but because He chose to. Throughout the Bible, we see multiple examples of God proving Himself to people, rather than having them blindly trust Him, which He has every right to do. He proved Himself to the Israelites (over and over); He proved Himself when He called Nathaniel under the fig tree and He proves Himself in creation. God doesn't just tell us how powerful He is, He proves it to us. I see a God who is willing to prove Himself to us when we need it. Are there times when He calls us to have a faith or do things without any extra proving - I think yes. But is He above proving Himself to us at other times? Absolutely not.

Doing It For God's Glory

"Do everything for God's glory," "Do everything for God." These are all things we hear, maybe on a daily basis. Are they biblical (and therefore true)? Yes. But what does it really mean? What does it mean that we were created for God's glory? These are questions that I have been probed to investigate and work on. Do I have the answer yet? No. But I do have a few initial thoughts that may differ from what we normally hear. 


First of all, I had to deal with the sense that these truths made it seem as if God was selfish. Well, God's not! God is holy and perfect. NOTHING we can do can bring God more glory. Nothing us imperfect, sinful, righteousness-as-of-filthy-rags humans can do can make God more holy, glorious, and perfect. You can not do enough for God!!!! I'm sorry if that has been your life goal, to do enough for God, but you cannot! What Jesus did for YOU is what makes you righteous in God's eyes. Jesus is our advocate, and He intercedes for us before God. You cannot do enough for God; you deserve hell and nothing less and it is what God did for you that makes what you deserve the opposite of what you receive. 


And that leads to the second thing. We cannot lose track of what God wants to do for us. To be a Christian simply for the things God can give you is wrong, but we cannot lose track of God's awesome love for us that wants the best life possible for us. God WANTS to bless you and lavish His love on you. Please don't lose track of that and become a Christian self-deniest that shuns away all blessing because "you live for God." 

"If we were not allowed to speak of what we value and celebrate what we love and praise what we admire, our joy would not be full. Therefore, if God is truly for us, if he would give us the best and make our joy full, he must make it his aim to win our praise for himself. Not because he needs to shore up some weakness in himself or compensate for some deficiency, but because he loves us and seeks the fullness of our joy that can only be found in knowing and praising him, the most beautiful of all beings.

God is the one Being in all the universe for whom seeking his own praise is the ultimately loving act. For him self-exaltation is the highest virtue. When he does all things "for the praise of his glory" as Ephesians 1 says, he preserves for us and offers to us the only thing in all the world which can satisfy our longings. God is for us, and therefore has been, is now, and always will be, for himself." 

By the way, I didn't say or think of that . . . John Piper did in a sermon in August 1980. That'll mean something to some of you. 

Problems

I was thinking tonight, and a thunk occurred to me. The thunk is as follows:

Problems suck; not exactly a revelation but a generally accepted truth nonetheless. Problems are hard; they are hard to deal with and work through. I've been noticing problems I have with my faith - aspects of my walk that God desires to work on in me. It is tough to realize these problems, to see where I am coming up short, to realize big holes, and to feel like, all of a sudden, that I am nowhere close to where I need to be. But here is the deal with problems. Most of the time (I say most, because God is capable of revealing things to us that fix our problems immediately, making us realize, "Wow, I had a problem there," but more often with big things, it is not that easy), problems have to be recognized before they are fixed. Sure, when we have unrecognized problems, we aren't bothered by them: ignorance is bliss as the old saying goes. It is not until we realize problems that we can work on them and fix them. Once problems are recognized, the "hardness" of it all begins, but that problem is being fixed. And when was the last time that something wasn't better after a problem was fixed? So yes, we are comfortable in our problems when we don't recognize them, and then when we do, it sucks. But that problem is usually not going to be fixed until it has been exposed. I have some exposed problems, some exposed areas that I need to work on. So that is what I will do, not necessarily by doing more myself, but on really praying and seeking God's help and trusting Him that when I honestly come to him with problems I have recognized, that I truly want to fix because I need to for my walk with Him, that He will be faithful to do all He needs to do. God is good, and God is love. He has plans to prosper me, for a future and a hope. He wants the best for me, and He is fully capable of giving it. I will forge ahead knowing that problems I have identified, and problems I need to work on, are happening for a reason, a reason soaked in God's love for me and those He has for me to impact (which could be you!)

I ask, humbly, for your continued prayer. Good things are happening, and it is hard, but for now I plan to forge ahead in God's love and plan for my life.