Ya ya, I know I haven't posted in a while, but hey, at least I'm back on the horse now (at least for this one post). It's just that there's been this thing bugging me for a while now, and if you read the title, you probably know what it is. It is the question of "Where do I find my worth?" And I know what the answer should be, and even more, I know that God has been working on it in me since school started. Yet, I still have trouble not defining myself by what I'm involved in and how successful I am at it.
Now, I could take the psychology approach and talk about how I grew up in an athletically dominated family and played sports my entire life, which lead me to be ultra competitive. And I could talk about how I've ALWAYS been hard on myself, no matter what I've done. And I could talk about how we live in a culture that judges people based on accomplishments. And I could talk about how all these things ARE true, and to a certain extent, do play a role in the way that I am. But when your willing to look at things honestly, these may be factors, but they are not "deciders." These are not excuses and they do not fully determine or decide who I am or the way I approach life.
Now, I'm sure many of you struggle with this as well, and whether you feel like God is making it an issue in your life is completely between you and Him. It's just been weird for me because I KNOW that God is working it in me, but I am still having trouble. I've been comparing myself to other people a lot this year, trying to define myself based on comparison, but I can be so hard on myself, all I ever see are those who make me feel less than talented, achieved, or any of those other "worldly words" you want to use. I've also been trying to find "where I belong," "what I'm good at," or "what my 'thing' is." And every time I do, the same thought strikes me; "That's not where you find your worth." Yet I still struggle - I still feel less than others. I mean, I don't play an instrument (even though its a huge goal of mine to learn), I can't sing, I don't play sports anymore (which is literally all I did growing up -- P.S. huge mistake), and the theater thing has its own challenges I'm dealing with too. Furthermore, I've had a lot of trouble finding that one group of friends to really connect with this year. Don't get me wrong, anybody that knows me knows that I have friends, I just don't always feel like I have that one really close-knit group. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing the situation and reading to deep into things (that would fit my personality to a T). But over and over the same thought occurs - that's not where you find your worth.
So as I keep dealing with this, and, most importantly, allowing God to work in me, I guess I'll just have to wait and trust. God is faithful, and when His children come to Him with genuine concerns, He is faithful to answer those. So until then, I guess I'll just keep praying, keep waiting, and as my ol' pops says, "Quit trying!"
